Hiya, Papabear.
So, near the beginning of the school year, I developed a crush on this one guy named Jacob. He was a new kid in 8th Grade (so he was about a year older than me) and he hadn't heard about any of the rumors that had been circling around me at the time. He looked pretty good, too. He's pretty much the only gay guy in school, besides me. Except he was open about it. Like, a lot. Skipping ahead a week or so, word got out that I had affections for him (thanks to my "friends"). Now the whole school was laughing at me for two reasons: 1: Because they found out that I'm gay, 2: And because they knew I had a crush on Jacob. Like I didn't have enough to worry about. Jacob found out, too. On the other hand, he gave me his Snapchat through an e-mail, now knowing the feelings I had for him. He told me that he's had quite a rough history, and that, despite his good looks, he's never met anyone who's had a crush on him. So, yeah. Enough of the past's happenings, let's get to the present's problem. Despite us talking together on Snapchat, finding out we both like each other and such, there is one slight problem... I haven't the strength to interact with him (or talk to him, for that matter) face-to-face. I want to, but every time I get near him, I run away for no apparent reason. I think it's because I'm afraid that things might not go so well, that things might become awkward if I go and talk to him. But how am I going to overcome this fear of mine? How do I successfully converse with him? How do I avoid/resolve awkward moments or conversations? And once I get past that, any date ideas or activities (other than the obvious restaurant/movie option) that you'd like to suggest? Thanks in advance. mon~ * * * Dear mon~, One reason social media such as Snapchat are so popular is that they afford us a way to communicate with others through a kind of mask (screen names, fursonas, avatars) that makes us feel less vulnerable, less exposed. That goes a long way toward alleviating shyness and social anxiety. But when you face Jacob in person, all that shyness kicks in again because there is nothing between you and him except air. Like all fears people experience, the best way to overcome them is to do so in small, incremental steps. In this way, you retrain yourself to replace a bad or undesirable behavior with a good, desirable one. In your case, you need to combine the desired goal of interacting with Jacob in person with the security of maintaining that wall—at least in the beginning. Interestingly, there was an episode of The Big Bang Theory that dealt with this very topic. The character Raj was dating a woman with crippling social anxiety. His solution was to set up a date with her in a library (quiet), sit across from her at a table with some food in a kind of picnic, but talk to her over the phone using texting. You could try something similar with a “text date” in which the two of you meet somewhere that is a comfortable atmosphere and talk by texting. As you continue to text, the cool part of this is that you can see his reactions in real life, such as if he smiles or laughs at something you say. This will begin to break down that wall that you have erected, block by block, until you start to feel comfortable actually verbalizing the communication. Give that a shot, and see how it goes. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I've written to you a number of times, and I'm sure you know I've seen my fair amount of stress in my life thus far. There is someone I have mentioned before, one of my first friends in this fandom, and one of my closest friends to date. Basically, we both went through a lot together, and she was a breath of fresh air after the long time I spent isolated socially. But the thing is, there is another person I'm gonna refer to as "Z" who a bunch of us met a while back. Z, no offense to him, just isn't the kind of person I really like. He is a little over the top when it comes to dirty jokes, and seems like he never could take something seriously, despite the fact half a year ago I saw him be serious. But then again, half a year is a long time. Basically the thing is, when Z popped up, my old friend started spending more time with him. And yea this isn't bad, but it caught me off guard a little. He came out of what seemed like nowhere. This isn't something that bothered me, but eventually things like her drawing endless amounts of art for him, almost flat out ignoring if the three of us are all in the same room, and straight up acting more like Z than how she did before. And although I am severely angry at my brother for snooping Z's phone he promised he wouldn't, it turned out some NSFW things had happened with roleplay between them, as well as Z and almost everyone else I knew in that friend group. It didn't help my liking toward him, but I did realize that was private and isn't something I should be concerned about or really even know. Me and my old friend had actually dated in the past, and split over a matter of sexual orientation, so I couldn't decide if this was affecting it or not as well. It’s no surprise to me what this is: jealousy. I have spoken to her a couple different times, and she has debunked a lot of worries I had. Like drawing a lot of art for him, his fursona is good as a template tester since it's not very complex. But for some reason it always keeps coming back to me, and I just don't know what to do. I think part of it is she means a lot to me after everything that has happened, and I am just scared of being abandoned. I lost T.R. before (albeit in a much worse manner than this), and I still get scared of losing those close to me now. Bottom line: what can I do to end this jealousy over my old friend and Z. It's been bothering me for months by this point. Sincerely, ScarTheFur * * * Hi, Scar, Friendship jealousies in the fandom are quite common and are usually tied to one’s insecurities. The first thing to be done is to acknowledge that jealousy, recognizing it for what it is, and you have done just that—good for you. Next, you need to think about why you are jealous, and you have done that as well by noting that you are afraid you will lose you will lose her like you did T.R. and you will be abandoned. A third thing to do is to talk about your feelings and fears with your friend, and you have done that, too! My goodness, you are three for three so far. Excellent. The only thing left is to figure out where to go from here. When we form friendships, we typically find that different friends fulfill different needs in our lives and enhance us and complement us in different ways. For example, Papabear has friends in the fandom with whom he can talk about furry stuff, but he also has friends who are not furry with whom he shares other interests, such as politics, religion, outdoor activities, movies, going out to eat. None of my friends fulfills all my interests, but all of them together do. You talk about how Z is not like you in their sense of humor and, apparently, interest in furporn. These are things that your long-time friends seems to find interesting and so they have glomped on to Z pretty hard, spending a lot of time with them. This often occurs with new friendships but usually dies down a bit after a certain amount of time. Your old friend denies preferring Z to you, and I would take them at their word for it. It is just an early fascination. What you need to do, then, is target the things that you and your old pal have in common that you can share and that have little or nothing to do with Z. Say (just making this up) you are both into Pokémon Go and Z isn’t—then spend some time playing that together. Be the friend that fulfills interests that Z can’t or won’t. The other thing is to diversify. Like a stock portfolio, it is unwise to invest all your emotional cash into one or two friends. That way, if one of those friend’s stock crashes (i.e., they abandon you) you’re not left all alone. I’m not saying that will happen, but it’s just wise not to lean too heavily on just one person. Hope this helps! Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
This is the second time I have written to you. During my studies, and even before, when I grew bored of TV series, I turned to following world news, American news, and some conservative Internet commentators. Through these, I learned about the Social Justice Warrior movement and its misguided ways. The extremist members of this movement propagate hate against white people. Is it really ok to hate based on ethnicity? Why did the term "people of color" come to existence with the meaning of non-white people? Is white not a color? If not, then why is black considered a color in this sense? For both white and black are considered shades, not true colors, in art. SJWs connect "whiteness" to the colonizers of the Americas and not only to them, they extend the meaning to all Europeans, a crude generalization and racism on their part. One might ask the question why is it that they only view white people as not belonging to America when, in fact, African slaves were brought there to replace "the Indians" (native Americans), because they couldn't handle the burden of slavery well. So, in this sense everyone except native Americans should get out of your continent, the thought of which is quite absurd. Even so, why do they think it is ok to blame the younger generation for the sins of the older? When commentators speak about gender and race issues, they make it sound like that SJWs are everywhere and pose a big problem. Because I'm not living there, I have limited means of gathering information. So, I would like to ask you: how widespread is this belief in your society, especially in the furry fandom, since it's known to be one of the most accepting fandoms? Do people get hung up on chasing nonexistent offences, intolerantly preaching tolerance, or is it just a magnified issue which doesn't come up as often? What is your opinion about this in general? Yours Truly, Farkas Ürdüng (23, Hungary) * * * Dear Farkas, I think it was comedian Eddie Murphy who did a humorous stand-up routine about color. Talking about white people, he noted, “When white people get cold, they turn blue; when they get angry, they turn red; when they get sick, they might get yellow or green, but when black people are cold or angry or sick, they’re still black. Seems to me white people are the ones who are colored” *snerk*. Your letter seems to entangle two separate issues: social justice warriors and white guilt. They are not always the same. SJWs are objects of criticism because they are a form of troll, using insincere outrage over things they have heard are not politically correct and then having vitriolic fits about them online to score social justice points, so they will be seen as popular. Such people only do their “activism” online and do not do anything constructive in the real world to effect real change. In other words, they are frauds. Their use of politically correct mantras is just a tool for trolling; they don’t truly care about the issues they complain about. Let’s move on to the politically correct movement in America and white guilt. Here is an extremely brief overview of the history behind it: As you are likely aware, the United States has a long history of oppressing other races, especially African Americans and Native Americans, but also other groups, including Chinese and Japanese immigrants, LGBT people, and, of course, women (who weren’t even allowed to vote until 1920, long after black men were “technically” permitted to vote, though many factors made this difficult, such as Jim Crow laws). Beginning with the 1960s Counterculture Movement, which centered in universities, especially those in New England and the West Coast (University of California, Berkeley, was the epicenter), and the Civil Rights Movement led by such figures as Martin Luther King Jr., there was a strong reaction against the injustices perpetrated against minority groups. A dissonance needed to be resolved between these injustices and the American image of being “land of the free and home of the brave.” Obviously, unless you were a white male, most Americans didn’t even start to experience real freedom until just the last few decades of our history. [Side note: your statement that “African slaves were brought there to replace ‘the Indians’ (native Americans), because they couldn't handle the burden of slavery well” is untrue. Indians experienced slavery, it’s true, under the Europeans, but when it comes to Americans they were more often slaughtered, run off their lands, and put in re-education schools where they were forbidden to use their native languages. Africans were brought in to work the fields, primarily in the South, although a number of Northerners had slaves until those states started making it illegal. In other words, the Indians (who were perfectly capable of being slaves and often were [especially under Spain]) were mostly seen as a people to be exterminated (they posed a challenge to the white American concept of Manifest Destiny), while the Africans were considered a labor resource.] After generations of work by civil rights leaders, America made progress in its laws to finally treat minorities better. As with any tidal change in society, there are reactionary forces led by about half of America (at least) that is still extremely prejudiced towards these groups. But because it was no longer legal (or at least ignored) in American society to be overtly prejudiced and abusive towards these groups, they kind of went underground. An example: before the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriages, the state of Michigan passed a state constitution amendment banning such unions. Before it went to a vote, however, polls indicated that most Michiganders were against the amendment. You see, even though the polls were anonymous, people didn’t want to be seen as prejudiced, but when they entered the voting booths, they voted for what was really in their hearts: hate. The same is true with racism in many parts of this country. For example, local leaders in some southern states have removed voting centers in areas with black majorities to make it harder for them to vote, but they say the reason is because they need to cut election costs. Now, with a racist jackass inhabiting the White House and a majority of minority-hating Republicans in Congress, hateful Americans everywhere have felt empowered to once again spout their prejudices (currently, it is mostly aimed at Muslims from Arabic countries and at immigrants from Africa, the Middle East, and south of the border). Republican leaders justify their actions by labeling Muslim minorities as terrorists and immigrants from Mexico and Central America and other points south as moochers stealing money from American taxpayers. The words on the Statue of Liberty have no meaning to right-wing people. To point out your correct observation that all Americans are either immigrants or descended from immigrants (except for Indians [and, by the way, it is okay to call them Indians], who got here first), conservative politicians and other Americans do acknowledge this, it is just that they would prefer our immigrants to come from places like—as Trump requested—Norway, which he considers to be not a “shithole country.” The problem there is that people in Norway are generally much happier than Americans and have no compelling reason to flock here en masse. Like a game of ping-pong, with the counter-revolution of white conservatives on the rise, you are now getting a counter-counter-revolution of left-wingers and those who are obsessed with political correctness, and part of this political correctness is a self-loathing (if you are white) for all the injustices of the past, even if you weren’t personally responsible for them. This is why Columbus Day is celebrated less and less and why there was a recent movement to destroy monuments to Confederate leaders. As we bounce back and forth, the two extremes become more and more extreme, while moderates in the middle become scarce. Today, we have a deeply divided nation that is literally (judging by voting) a 50/50 split between liberals and conservatives. Add to this the fact that we have lost the ability to compromise in Congress, and that social media encourages people to express hostile opinions without having to hear counterarguments, and you have a real mess on your hands. Social Justice Warriors are just one symptom of a much larger issue: a country that is as divided today as it was just before the U.S. Civil War and all that this implies. Some states, such as California and Texas, are even mulling over the possibilities of seceding from the union—something that is becoming a possibility because of the lack of true leadership in Washington, D.C. As for the furry community, it is well established that its members tend toward the left, politically speaking, though there are some conservatives within the fandom, which would imply that there may be more SJW people in the fandom than in the general population (I have no statistics on this, however; it’s just a hunch). I believe that the SJW phenomenon is one restricted, for the most part, to the online world. Mostly, this is people raging against the wind to little or no effect. I find it an annoyance that is easily ignored and avoided. Much more important than the impotent SJW population is the very real fact that the United States is in serious trouble—politically, socially, economically. Indeed, this is coming to a head involving the Constitution and the power of the Executive Branch, which, at this point, could go one of two ways: 1) in the 2018 and 2020 elections Americans start to regain their senses and bring back some sanity to Washington, or 2) we go the way of Nazi Germany and descend into a dictatorship that would mark the end of the United States as we know it. And how are things in Hungary? Papabear Hello, I just wanted to make a point. I live in NYC and recently visited the Museum of Sex. It's a pretty good museum, but in one of the exhibitions I saw a Furry head-piece. Although I am not a furry myself, I found this offensive since it was displayed around a number of curious sexual devices. My first thought was that being a furry isn't just about being sexual. I think that there might be a general misconception about what makes Furries tick. I think most non-Furries joke about Furries in a sexual context, and that's not right. Anyhow, just FYI, it might be a opportunity to set something right and email the NYC Museum of Sex. Oh yeah, question. Do you agree with this notion, and what are your thoughts? Love, Abel * * * Dear Abel, Ah, yes, the Museum of Sex, LOL. It does indeed contain some furry paraFURnalia, some of which was loaned to the museum in the past by fursuit pioneer Robert Hill. Here is a photo of a display that, it seems, is no longer at the museum: There is no denying that sexuality is part of the art and culture of the fandom, but it certainly is not the only part or even a main part of it. The subject of sex in the fandom and why it is there will be addressed in my upcoming book.
In the meantime, there are several books out there that try to talk about "what makes furries tick" that you can check out, including Furry Nation by Joe Strike, and Furries Among Us (volumes 1 and 2), essay collections edited by Thurston Howl. If you're really interested, you could also check out two research sites about furries: The International Anthropomorphic Research Project, which is run by scientists in fields such as psychology and sociology, and the [adjective][species] site, which also does surveys about furries. But you are correct: the furry fandom and its members are complicated. There is not just one reason why people are attracted to the fandom, and there is not just one type of furry, not by a long shot. The reasons range from creative expression to social, psychological, and even spiritual reasons. Furries are writers, musicians, artists, performers, gamers, or simply people trying to have a fun time and socializing with friends and making new ones. But sex museums and people in the media don't want to hear about that. It's too complicated and too difficult to explain in a display or a special TV news report, so they go for the low-hanging fruit, which is that if you want to draw eyes a great way to do it is to talk about sex. Sex sells, as they say, and that (in a nutshell) is why non-furries zoom in on this one aspect of a complex and fascinating fandom. I'm glad you found the display misleading about the fandom. Good for you for having an open mind! However, it won't help to write to the Museum of Sex. As long as someone is willing to donate masks or fusuits or drawings to the museum, you can bet they will display them. It's fine, we're used to this nonsense by now. The cool thing is that, as the fandom grows, we've started to gain some acceptance in the world. Sure, there may be jeers here and there, someone ranting against "furfags" on YouTube, but most of us recognize by now that these are just trolls making pathetic bids for attention. Meanwhile, furcons and other furry meetings continue to spread and grow. And someday, we will take over the world! Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Our evil furplan has just begun! Silly hoomans! In a nutshell, is my brother right about me liking something wrong?
From 2012 to 2014, I dabbled in the Brony scene after being influenced to see the first few seasons of "Friendship is Magic". Since then, I've regretted it a little based on the fact that it's still at its core a toy franchise for little girls, and forming a fandom really still isn't socially acceptable for a mix of both valid concerns and unfounded fears. When I spent the holidays with my younger brother, and I just happened to joke ironically, in a clearly unfavorable light, about the fandom, he upstaged me with the question "Why do you talk about it so much?" Then he went on with "I don't know why anyone older than 12 would like that show. I think it's a case of psychological infantilism," and "Twenty years from now, they'll wonder what they were doing with their lives". I almost had a heart attack because I could have been among the objects of his scorn. If I watched MLP: FiM again and reentered the fandom, the fujoshis (look it up), Rule 34 artists, bad costuming, those Bronies who use feminism/civil rights/the LGBT cause as analogies to their fandom, and the obsessive crossing over of things that have nothing to do with Hasbro's property, WOULD NOT help my case. And my uncles and grandmother would have a field day putting down someone interested in something simultaneously child-oriented and effeminate. Worse, I still feel a soft spot for, plus attraction to, the main characters whenever I find images of them. My best defense argument for my personal enjoyment of it would be “I also like my share of mindless fun, just like millions of other people.” Addendum: It's just stupid entertainment, but I’d have to pursue it secretively to save my hide socially. With Regards, Joaquin the Boar (age 25) * * * Dear Joaquin, When it comes to questions such as yours, I always fall back on the Wiccan Rede: “An it harm none, do what ye will.” (If you aren’t hurting anyone, do whatever you like.) There is nothing inherently wrong in your liking My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Lots of young men do. Who are you harming by doing so? The only people who are doing any harming around you are your brother and, possibly, other family members by making you feel bad about liking something that is just a television show. Why do people do such things? Because they allow themselves to be told what to do and what to believe by society. Thus, they are told that MLP is not “manly” and, therefore, you, as a male, shouldn’t like it. When you do like such things, it threatens their comfortable worldview of how people should behave, which then inspires fear and anxiety, which then leads to anger and hate. That is, sadly, how most human minds work. What is cool about Furries and Bronies is that they dare to enjoy something (gasp!) that isn’t a social norm. That is a very brave thing to do. But whenever people like you or me do that, the first thing that often (not always) happens is hate, and the second thing that happens is ostracism or dire predictions that the world will come to an end if we allow such things to continue. A great example of this is gay marriage in America. Conservatives and religious rightists issued Hellfire and brimstone warnings that if gay people were allowed to marry it would, literally, be the end of America and possibly the world. Well, we’re still waiting and nothing bad has happened. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by small minds. People like your brother are the ones that hold society back, keep it from progressing. It’s a sorry state of affairs that you feel like you have to hide being a Brony, but I understand. You still have to function in society and within your family, so if you feel that is something you must do, then okay. But do not feel like you are doing something wrong or immoral. You aren’t. It is the people who are criticizing you who are the damaged ones. You’re fine. Hugs, Papabear I'm still new to the Furry Fandom and as an adult with autism I never really felt any social connection outside the Internet. After over 10 years of trying, I finally got out of Mom and Dad’s house, but it’s still not complete. The guy I know I am is still locked inside of me and is still being stopped from coming out by them forcing me to take whatever it is they what me to use, what jobs they what me to have, having everything I do monitored, and more. Not caring that this guy is his own man and that makes me feel unsafe. I need to get out; I lost almost all my friends; all my dreams have been killed by them. The only hope I still have is if I could one day wake up as 0% human and 100% something like raccoon. That's the short version. The full would be over 500 pages long.
Lance (age 35) * * * Dear Lance, Congratulations on moving out on your own and starting to take charge of your life. That is a major step and I hope it is working out for you. Because I don’t know the degree of autism you are suffering or your health history, it is difficult for me to offer you advice on this subject. But you sound as though you are eager to take charge of your own destiny. I suggest you start by picking up the phone and talking to a professional in this area at an organization called Autism Speaks. You can find contact information here: https://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/autism-response-team. Another group you can look into is Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) http://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/; here you can educate yourself as to what is being done politically to help those with autism assert their rights and independence. If you feel motivated to do so, you might even try volunteering there, which will definitely help you feel more empowered. I realize you feel as if your parents and others are trying to control your life, but I’m sure that what they are trying to do is protect you and help you because they care about and love you. The best thing you can do is learn more about the organizations listed above, set goals for yourself as to what you wish to do with your life, and make sure that those goals and wishes are communicated to your parents and anyone else involved in your life. Good luck! Hugs, Papabear Dear Readers,
I know you are being very patient with me about this book, and thank you to those who have told me they are interested in The Furry Book: The Who, What, Where, When, Why and How of the Furry Fandom. It seems appropriate to make the following announcement for the beginning of 2018. As some of you know, I started work on this book in 2015, then my husband died unexpectedly in October of that year, and I have been spending the last two years trying to recover from the blow. But I want you all to know that I am now back writing this book and hope to have it completed this year. It's been so long, you may have forgotten what it is! LOL! So, what IS The Furry Book? Well, let me tell you what it is not. It is not a history of the fandom (though there is some history in it). It is not an apology for the fandom. It is not an attempt to authoritatively define what the fandom is or is not (though I will talk about this a lot). What it is is my concerted effort to gather a bunch of information together about furries and the fandom from all over the place, put it in one book, and organize it as a reference and guide that will be useful to new furries, established furries, and those who are simply curious about the fandom. Yes, I would call it a guidebook. That's probably the best word for it. What I am doing is combining my 30 years of experience as an author and editor of reference books with my personal experiences as a furry and as a furry advice columnist to provide you with an informative, accessible, easy-to-use reference to the furry fandom. Along the way, I have interviewed a number of figures in the fandom (and have a few more to do), including such furries as Reed Waller, Steve Gallacci, Mark Merlino & Rod O'Riley, Ken Fletcher, Mark Schirmeister, Fred Patten, and others. And, yes, the book will be well illustrated with photos and art, so it should be fun to browse. Who is publishing it? Well, I will be researching it, writing it, editing it, doing the layouts, proofreading it, indexing it, and all of that. Then I will create a PDF form of the book (a locked PDF), but I will also make it available as a print-on-demand publication. Why go this approach rather than seek a "real publisher"? First of all, I am a real publisher LOL. But also because I can do everything myself except print-and-bind, and, frankly, I know the market well enough to do a better job marketing it than other publishers (I've had miserable experiences with publishers who don't market my books decently). Finally, as some of you authors out there know, I'm pretty tired of publishers tossing me a measly royalty for months, even years, of work, while they keep most of the profit for themselves (and playing little games such as, "Well, you don't get a royalty for any discount sales."). Will I make money on this? Hope so! And there is no shame in that. I believe all furry authors and artists should be able to try and make a living with their craft. I'm not sure what the price of the book will be, but probably less than $20, FYI, and hoping to price it at $14.95 for the paperback. I am not trying to take advantage of anyone here. Thank you for reading this. If you have any questions about the book or would like to contribute anything, feel free to let me know. Thanks! Papabear |
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