30-Something Shy Furry Having Trouble Befriending People at Meets and Cons

Papabear,

I find it really hard to connect with people in the fandom, I moved to a place where i hoped it be easier for me to make fandom friends but it seems like conversation just die out and i have been unable to make meaningful connections. I went to my first meetups this year and every time it feels like im just wandering about, It doesn't help that im a very introverted and anxious person.

How do people make so many friends that it always seems like they are chatting with someone during cons/meetups?

Anonymous (age 31)

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Dear Furiend,

Yes, breaking down that wall can be a challenge, especially if you are a shy person. It can be harder for older furries over 30, too, because so many in the fandom are in their teens and twenties.

The people you see at conventions clustered in little groups likely were friends before they got there. It truly is much more fun to go to a con or a meet if you already know people and can hang out with them. Some of my best memories are going to the now-defunct Califur with my friend Cyberbear and others. 

When walking into an environment filled with people you don't know, you need something to "break the ice." To do this, you can't be shy. You know how uncomfortable it can be to see a nervous person on stage trying to talk in front of an audience and they make mistakes and their hands shake and their voice quavers? People have a hard time watching that. The same goes for crowds of people at parties. If you look at your shoes, hem and haw, sound nervous, etc., people will be uncomfortable and, though they might be polite to you, they will want to move away from you. 

So, you really do need to be confident in yourself. It should, hopefully, help that you're in a room with a lot of people who share your interests, which brings me to the next point: Finding something in common and using that to start a conversation. It helps that all these people at a convention or meet are literally wearing their personalities on the outside. Whether it is a fursuit or a shirt with logos of a favorite band or TV show, you can easily spot what they like. You can start conversations with things like, "I love your fursuit! Did you make it or is it a commission? etc. etc." If they are wearing, say, a Star Trek shirt, you can say you're a Trekker and strike up a conversation that way. It is important that, when doing this, you try not to dominate the conversation. Ask a lot of questions and show an interest in them as a person. Oh, you can also maybe draw people to you based on what you are wearing. The same applies if you are observing an activity. Most cons or other gatherings have game rooms. If you enjoy gaming, you can certainly see if you can join in on a board or card or video game with others. Once you get your foot in the door, keep asking questions and talking and see where the conversation goes. Let it wander from topic to topic and don't try to control the conversation. If things go well, see if you can't invite them to join you for some noms or accompany you to a party room. Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Be a good listener.

As for overcoming anxiety in the first place, before you approach someone, try taking a few deep, cleansing breaths. Try to find people who look promising that they would share some commonalities with you. Rehearse a little in your head how you will introduce yourself. Also, especially at cons, there are often forums and talks involving special interest groups such as a meet for railroading aficionados or TikTok video makers or Kimba the White Lion fans or whatever. Check out the furcon program and see if you can find something suitable for you and participate!

Since you are 31, you are of age to join my Facebook Greymuzzle group if you like. Just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/greymuzzles and you will see over 4,000 furries in your age group.

Let me know if you have further question.

Good Luck!

Papabear