Please help me, Papabear :(
I am trying to recover from my date bringing us back to "just friends" status about a month ago. And he says he thinks we shouldn't go further anymore at all. I don't know if I can handle that, Papabear.... I really loved it to be with him :'( sometimes it hurts just to be with him. He says he wants to stay friends with me, and I'm not sure ... somehow my life still wanted me with him somewhere. Papabear, I need help to let go. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I want to get him out of my pain, but still be his friend.... That's possible, right? I don't want to get plagued all my life, wondering "what if." I want to find someone who will love me, I wanna start dating and loving again, and not get hurt when I see him happy with someone else. :'( I need help—what do I do to let go, to forgive him and forget all the pain he caused me by not being my mate? I know it's possible for us to be friends again for real.... I once regarded him as my "bro" but after we dated and it didn't work out, I dunno what to do. Please help, Papabear. --from BW Mena * * * Hi, BW, Papabear feels your pain. Your situation is similar to one I have gone through, though not exactly the same. As many of my readers know, I am divorced, yet I still care very much about the woman who is my ex, even after realizing I am a gay bear. We both realized that, because of my sexual orientation, continuing the marriage was no longer feasible. While the breakup was very painful, it had to be done. It was actually a very amicable divorce. We came to an agreement on how to split the assets, and we parted friends. I even helped her paint her new house after the breakup, and she has been supportive of me, as well. So, to answer your question, yes, it is possible to remain friends with an ex. During times like the holidays, it can make me very sad and nostalgic about how things were and, as you say, the “what if” of the future that never happened. The problem with this is sometimes I idealize the past. It’s wonderful to remember the good things, but it wasn’t all good, and if I am honest with myself, going back really isn’t an option. I can’t go back to an idealized marriage that really never existed; and if I did manage to go back somehow, I would only find myself becoming discontented again in some way. What I’m trying to say, BW, is that there must have been a reason why the person you love just wants to be friends now (don’t undervalue friends—true friends are almost as rare as true loves). He sees you as a good person, someone he would like to be a friend with, but he is looking for something in a mate that you just don’t possess. That doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable, just that you aren’t the match for him. So, you see, your dreams of “what if” are just as illusory as mine. There is no chance of a “what if” because he doesn’t love you the way you love him. At this point, I need to pause for a moment. I find it peculiar that, at the beginning of your email, you call him “your date.” Is that an odd typo or a Freudian slip? A date implies that you weren’t even at the serious stage of a committed relationship yet and were just, well, dating. If that’s the case, then you are being a little overdramatic here because we’re not talking about a painful breakup between two lovers but, rather, simply two people who were dating and you, clearly, were more into him than vice versa. The other guy was just “testing the waters” at this point and concluding that he would like to date other people to find a deeper relationship. Reading between the lines, you might have actually driven him away by being too intense, too fast when he wasn’t ready for it. Is that a possibility? Either way, the result is the same. The guy likes you, but not to the point of wanting a loving, committed relationship. Young love can be intense, and painful, but this experience will hopefully mature you a bit and help you realize that not every relationship works out. In fact, given statistics, the majority of them don’t work out. This was not the guy for you, BW, but Papabear is sure that, with time, you will find someone in your life who loves you as much as you love them. Start seeing other people. Stop obsessing on the woulda, coulda, shoulda, and the pain you are feeling right now will subside. Who knows? You might even discover at one point that the guy you had a major crush on is really not what you thought. At which point, you might think, “Whew! Dodged that bullet!” Life is about experiences and learning from those experiences. Take notes, remember the lesson, maintain your friendship if you can, but don’t worry if you can’t. That’s life, BW. Wishing You a Greater Love in the Near Future, Papabear
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Papabear,
This is my first time writing to an advice column and this question is not really a furry-related one but I have a very limited number of ways to seek unbiased feedback on this and since it's probably not uncommon with furs I figured I'd ask :) I am not a social person. I'm not a misanthrope, I actually quite like people, I just have a very limited amount of socialization I can do before I burn out and need to be alone. I'm mentally ill (Schizo-affective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and depressive bipolar. All but the first one are severe and the first one might also be, but I disagree with that diagnosis, so take my opinion on it with a grain of salt!), but it's under control and so I function on an emotional level more or less the same way a sane person does, but the nature of mental illness could prevent me from seeing its influence in the first place so it might be worth putting out there. Anyway, I've been seeing a lot of stuff lately basically saying that you NEED to have an active social life or you are a miserable loser and I get the impression that people (such as my partner's family) think either that I must be severely depressed or severely delusional to be alone so much. Thing is, I really don't feel like I am. I live with my partner and see him every day, I have about 10 or so online friends I am quite close with who I speak with every other day, and my best friend IRL who I see every couple of months. This is a very, very low number and part of me feels like it should be alarming, but the rest of me is very defiant of that shame. Despite being disabled and neither working nor in school I have very little difficulty meeting people if I choose to, and getting along socially is effortless. I feel like it's an issue of knowing my boundaries and what I can handle so I don't end up making more friends I just won't have the mental energy for and end up neglecting. An example--my partner and I met a couple local furs for drinks and dinner recently and I had a good time, I really liked them, and I have zero desire to meet them again. It's not that they weren't up to my standards or something silly, it's just that the commitment involved in maintaining two new additional friendships when I'm at capacity just isn't feasible for me so I feel it's best not to let it get to the point where my not showing up is taken as a personal thing. I dunno, I'm rambling a bit trying to explain where I'm coming from, but the bottom line is that I know that my social life is abnormal and can be seen as a giant red flag but the only part of it that causes me any pain is how much I worry about if I'm "a normal person," I guess because growing up mentally ill it's been kind of a scramble since recovering to understand what about me is a Big Bad Problem vs. what's just an issue of perspective. Anyway, if you could maybe weigh in on if I sound healthy or not (at least in this regard) I would appreciate it :) K-Bunz * * * Hi, K-Bunz, Questions from Papabear’s readers do not necessarily have to directly relate to furries and the fandom. Any question that is of a concern to one of this bear’s furry brothers or sisters is legitimate and will be addressed with all earnestness. Thanks for writing. While for most people, sane or not, social interaction is beneficial to their emotional and mental well-being, there is no law that says such a guideline has to be enforced. It is important to emphasize here that there is a HUGE difference between being—let’s call it—asocial and being anti-social. Anti-social people don’t like other human beings, sometimes to the point of wanting to cause them harm. Asocial people are generally indifferent to other people but are not a danger to others. Papabear wouldn’t even go so far as to say you are asocial because you state quite emphatically that you DO like people, you just don’t see a need to have lots and lots and lots of friends. A pawful suffices. Part of the reason for this being that you struggle to maintain a worthwhile contact with more than a few people (possibly related to your anxiety disorder). In other words, you favor a few quality relationships over having a large quantity of less substantial relationships. Given the choice between a few really good relationships, like with your partner and best friend, and hundreds of mere acquaintances, I would certainly choose the former. There are many people out there who have numerous “friends” out there but are miserable because they don’t have a love in their life. You, on the other paw, have that, which puts you way ahead of most furries who have written me in the past. Bunz, don’t worry about what other people say you should be or how you should live your life. Sounds to this bear that, even with your mental disadvantages, you are ahead of the crowd. Relax, take a deep breath, hug your partner, be good to the friends and family you have. You’re doing great. Hugs! Papabear Hello Again Papabear,
I need your help. I am currently friends with two furs I know locally. These two have been childhood friends since before I moved to this town to be with my mate. The first one, who we will call the wolf, is about a twenty minute drive from where I live. The other, the bat, lives two blocks away from me, about a five minute walk. Currently these two are not on speaking terms and I am caught in the middle. Here is why. Here recently, the bat has been living in uninhabitable conditions. Black Mold, leaking roof, and no heat have been making him and his mate sick. I offered to go with them to my landlord to see about getting them settled in an apartment in my complex. They complete moving on in Monday, November 26, 2012. But until then, they are living with me and my mate by request of my landlord. The wolf, however, feels that because we are housing these two, we are pulling away from her and becoming more friendly with the bat than her. By no means are we pulling away from her. I have explained this to her many times, but her insecurities keep her from honestly believing me. This drama is also bleeding over onto another site that all three of us frequent. Fur Affinity (FA). I'm sure you have heard of it. The wolf bought the bat gift art and such while they were on speaking terms. Now that they are not, she is demanding that the bat give back all the art and such so she can gain back her "Losses". The wolf is threatening to go to admins of FA and the artists that made the gift art to have the bat take it down. He has taken counter measures himself by messaging the artists as well. TO CUT TO THE POINT!!! I am stuck between these two who are now doing the whole "NO SHE IS MY FRIEND.... NO SHE IS MINE!!" stuff. I don't want to loose either of them as friends. I don't have many friends here as it is. (sorry for such a long read.) Blaze Neko * * * Dear Blaze Neko, *Deep breath.* Okay, this certainly falls into the category of “unnecessary drama.” The whole problem is entirely caused by wolf’s insecurities. You have already tried repeatedly to reassure her that you are her friend and she has nothing to worry about, but she is not buying that argument. The issue about the artwork between bat and wolf is their problem, not yours. Let them claw each other about that one, if they must. In bear’s opinion, though, wolf trying to take back the art is a very petty thing; she has no right to take back what was given, and, besides that, the argument was not about financial losses, so the gift should not come into play whatsoever. Papabear understands that you do not wish to lose a friend. If I were you, I would go to her one more time. Explain that you have been her friend, but that she is actually driving you away by her uncalled-for actions. If you wish to go the extra mile, you might try to find out if there is something else going on in her life that is causing her to behave this way. If she at any point gives you an indication that she would like you to help her resolve her emotional issues, be there for her, but on condition she stop treating bat this way. If she insists on being unreasonable, then, for your own sanity, I would suggest that you back away from wolf. Tell her exactly why. If she can’t be at least civil to your friend bat, then the you and wolf cannot be friends any more. Sometimes, try as we might, we cannot keep people from being self-destructive and unfriendly. Wolf has to make a choice: will she grow up or will she insist on wallowing in her own self-pity? The answer should determine whether or not you continue your relationship with her. Don’t be so desperate for friendship that you stay friends with someone who makes you miserable. You deserve better. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I came across your site a little while ago while looking for other furries I can network with. After reading a few posts I felt comfortable putting this out for everyone to see. I don't think I should be hiding it anymore and I would like the advice of someone who I've never met before. Here it is... I've got a problem that's been irking me for over 20 years. I'm 25 right now and I'm having an amazing amount of success being a screenwriter which makes this even tougher to deal with. Back in 1992, when I was a young boy of 5, I met a boy who was 8 who I was slow to make friends with. When his friend was around a certain side of his personality came out that by 1993 made me fall in love with him... head over heels. At the time I was a very timid child and was scared to death to tell him that out of fear of rejection and alienation. I always knew something was different about me but falling in love at that age was exhilarating. Instead of trying kindle a relationship on that level with this boy I kept it hidden until I got the worst news I could ever hear. In 1995 that boy ceased to be and it was then I felt the worst heartache I thought I would ever feel. For a couple years afterward I had to struggle with the longing that came from the loss of my love. It hurt and it hurt bad. After that period of time everything seemed to level out and I thought the worst was over. Flash forward to 2012 and I find myself revisiting those times as I feel the gaping hole that is my love life. All my sexual relations with other men and women only satisfied the physical side of my lust but failed to address the emotional side which is the root cause of my anguish. For months now I have felt the heartache all over again as I realize I have never stopped pining for him. Auto-erotic activities and emotional fits do nothing to dull it out. The fact is that my tie to him formed at 5 and only got stronger over time. Now it like an unbreakable force that sits on my consciousness reminding me that there was actually one person in my life that I would give my life for. No one else has ever come close to him. I can't even describe how much I miss him and how much he affects my life. Day in and day out I fantasize about what I would say to him if I ever got even 5 minutes with him. I can safely say that sex would do it no justice. I want him in my arms to love and to hold until I too cease to be. Papa Bear this is getting to the point where I need a sympathetic shoulder and a guiding voice. The one person I love more than life itself cannot be with me. If there is an afterlife then I hope I get to revisit my youth and tell him how I felt about him. For now... All I can do is remember him and use his personality and intelligence to fuel my desire to better myself and better the lives of others. How would you deal with this? How do I get over the gap in my life? I just want to see him again... Even for 5 minutes, just to tell me if I've done good in life or not. Astrit * * * Dear Astrit, Yours is one of the most powerful and touching letters Papabear has ever read. Thank you for writing to me. My deep condolences for your loss. I believe one big reason that your first love had such a deep impression on you was that it happened to you when you were so incredibly young. Another reason is that it ended so soon and so tragically. You will never get over this completely. That special love and that wonderful, short time will always be a part of you, living inside of you, including the pain. What you need to do a little better is deal with this incredible upwelling of emotion that is associated with your first love. Reading your letter, Papabear can tell that, despite your pain, you have grown into a pretty well-adjusted person. Someone who is kind and cares about others. There are two things you can do to help deal with your pain. I don’t know about you, but yours truly believes that when we die, it is only the physical form that is gone. Do you believe in a spiritual life, Astrit? I’m not necessarily talking about a Christian Heaven or that sort of thing, but I do believe that there is something more than the physical world. Therefore, your first true love still exists out there somewhere and it might be possible to connect to him in some way. Not in the same way you communicate with the living, but it is still possible. It rather depends on your own spiritual beliefs how you reconnect with him; you might seek out a spiritual guide commensurate with your philosophy. You might be viewing your loss of love and the resulting pain as a handicap, but in some ways it is also a strength. You are very lucky in that you have experience a real and true love, however briefly, and you know what genuine love is. Not everyone is so lucky. Shakespeare said, “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” That might be small comfort, but it is very true, and you can use that experience to pass the love to others. As you said, “All I can do is remember him and use his personality and intelligence to fuel my desire to better myself and better the lives of others.” That is an amazing statement and tells me just what a wonderful person you have become. But you needn’t believe that you will forever be without another love in your life. Papabear is not one to believe that there is “only one.” You talk some about your other relationships and how they have been mainly physical but not emotionally satisfying. It is good you recognize, unlike some, that sex does not equal love. That’s a healthy realization on your part. Has it occurred to you that you might be indulging in simply physical relationships because in your mind you don’t believe you will ever find another person like that first love? When people get a certain mindset—even a subconscious one—it can sabotage the possibility of a future relationship. If you think to yourself, “There will never be another like my first love” then you will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will never allow yourself to open your heart to another person because he or she won’t be the same. Naturally, they won’t be the same; no one is, but that doesn’t mean there is not another person out there, a unique individual, who is worthy of your love and vice versa. Astrit, you should embrace the memory of your past love, but try not to obsess about it. Know that your first love is with you in spirit and in your heart always. Treasure that love and allow the love in your heart to once more be shared with another person in your life. Somewhere, there is another person out there for you if you will let them in. I Wish You Love, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a 25 year old full time worker/super part time student (two credits shy of being full time). I work as a Nurse's Assistant and I am in school to become a nurse. People tell me that it would suit me because I am kind and patient. I am inclined to believe them. They also tell me that I would make a good father... Secretly, that would make me the happiest person in the world. I have not had a date/sexual contact with a guy until I turned 21. I have had the desire to be with another man (I have had multiple "boyfriends" that has lasted at most 3 weeks) but I have never found the one. The reason I am divulging this info is because I am losing all interest in having a mate... A lot of it has to do with all the times that I have gotten hurt and the VERY short amount of time it happened in. It has almost got to the point where I can play the "How HAVEN'T I Been Dumped" game. I am at the point were I am focusing on my career, a good thing, and excelling at making my goals come to fruition, a great thing... but I feel like I am losing a part of myself and I am genuinely afraid I am losing interest in sharing my personal life with someone (other than my future child)... In the time I have looked, I have met men who I wanted... All of them turned out to have mates of their own and wanted me cause I was "kind, unique, and very friend worthy" ... I guess what I am trying to say is I'm loosing sight of what I did hold dear and I can't see a way of getting it back. I want to be like I use to (when it comes to wanting someone to share my life) but I can no longer see myself in a relationship... I don't know what to do and if I don't do something then I might just end up as a billionaire that has a lot of microwave burritos and butter in stock (old Simpson's reference). I thank you in advance for your help. Deric * * * Dear Deric, First of all, kudos to you in your pursuit of a nursing degree and working in a noble profession of helping others. Now, on to the more personal stuff. If Papabear is reading your letter correctly, it sounds like you are looking for two things: an adult relationship and having a son or daughter in your life. Whether or not you get a husband at some point, it is possible that you can adopt or be a foster parent. Actually, you might even have MORE luck being a single parent than as a gay parent couple, as there is still some prejudice out there about gay parents. From my reading on the subject, it sounds as though being a foster parent is the more viable of the two options for you, especially if you foster a boy (more boys than girls are in foster situations). Here are some helpful organizations that can assist you on this very wonderful goal of being a parent while still being single: National Council for Single Adoptive Parents ncsap@hotmail.com http://www.adopting.org/ncsap.html Single Parent Resource Center 31 E. 28th Street New York, NY 10016 http://singleparentusa.com Adoption Resource Exchange for Single Parents (ARESP) 301-585-5836 http://www.aresp.net E-mail: aresp@aresp.net Still another option for you is Big Brothers Big Sisters. This is a wonderful way to become a very real and important part of a young person’s life, even though you are not a parent per se. Check them out at http://www.bbbs.org. So now we come to the relationship issue. Many of Papabear’s readers, I am sure, can empathize with your bad luck in finding a mate. There are many lonely people out there, sad to say, most of whom really deserve to have love in their lives. But you are also sending this bear some mixed singles. On the one paw, you say you want to be in a relationship, but on the other you say you are scared you are losing interest and want to feel the way you used to feel. That made me stop and think. Deric, there is nothing wrong, actually, in NOT wanting to have a relationship and to be single and focus on your career and, perhaps, son or daughter. In fact, singles in America are on the rise and many of them are very happy to be single. I am not saying you have to give up a search for a love in your life, but you shouldn’t feel scared or guilty if you don’t necessarily want to have one. Papabear understands your fear, though. When I discovered I was gay, I was very scared and wanted very much to return to my old life. But eventually I learned that you shouldn’t try and force yourself back into the past and how you once were. Yes, we can get sad and nostalgic about that, but it is healthier to move on. In your case, it could be perfectly healthy for you to be a single nurse with a child. You can very easily have a happy life that way. One last thing, though: it might be that you just don’t know how to look for a mate. Sounds to me like you run into a lot of married men who just want you as a friend or maybe a friend with benefits. You might need a few tips to find the right kind of person in your life; that is, a single gay man with no other commitments other than you in his life. The best place to do that is not online but in the real world, doing real activities with people who share your interests. Deric, you are still very young with most of your life ahead of you. Don’t give up on having a child (or children) and/or a love in your life. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and, believe me, some smart guy out there will eventually see that and want you in his life. Then, you can adopt or foster together, or if not, you can still pursue fostering or adopting on your own (I would wait until you are done with your studies and find a good job, of course). Good luck! Keep me posted! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm in dire need of help right now...but it's something that's quite out of my hands. A little over a month ago, I started seeing a girl who I've known almost 5 years now. We got along very well, we understand each other and I can say we're happy in our relationship. Although our relationship is very, very discreet. Only through texts and chats online, sometimes we meet in the mall on weekends. But there's a problem - we have a mutual friend, let's call her "Gina" for now. Gina, the girl and I have been friends for a long time, about 3 years. We are part of a circle of friends with other boys and girls. I don't see Gina often anymore after high school, but the last time I saw her I helped her finish a school project and we were still very warm towards each other. The problem is, Gina is very possessive. After our circle of friends saw each other less and less after high school, we rarely knew much about what was going on with each other. Last night, I received a warning from the girl, saying to stay away from Gina the next time I see her. And I asked why...apparently, Gina had given me a death threat after finding out I was seeing the girl. Gina told the girl, not me. And Gina also threatened to harm the girl as well. The girl told me to stay out of it, to keep it from getting any worse, and I know I should, I trust her too. Having known Gina a while, I don't know what to think - why the sudden hostility? So I went around to the girl's social sites, and I saw that Gina had more than once tried to win the girl's affections of the months where our communications were blurred; Gina asked if she could "live for her." The girl would decline and tell Gina that she just wants to be friends. Now I'm worried. The girl said she would talk to Gina, but after the threat of harm and death, I'm getting paranoid. Can you help me understand what Gina is feeling? What should I do, Papabear? Who should I tell and who do I run to? And how do I protect the girl from Gina as well? How can this be ended? --Jon * * * Dear Jon, If I’m to take all of this at face value, it sounds like Gina is in love with your girlfriend, and when she found out that you and she were in a relationship, she decided to threaten both of you in a fit of jealousy. Do you have any reason to believe that her threats are anything more than just words? Doesn’t sound like they are to Papabear. First of all, I would suggest that you talk with your girlfriend. Since this is a threat to both of you, it should be addressed by both of you in unison, not just by her. Talk to her and see if she can tell you anything more about what Gina said to her. You and your girlfriend are in a relationship and the two of you should address this “threat” as a team. My guess is that if Gina sees you standing up to her in a united front, she will back down. Obviously, neither you nor your girlfriend should be friends with someone like Gina. After you face her down, break off any friendship you had with her. She’s bad news, as they say. If things escalate and there seems to be a very real, physical threat, then it is time to call in the authorities. I sincerely doubt that will be the case, but then, I don’t know this Gina. You seem surprised that she would make this threat, so it sounds uncharacteristic. Again, my guess is that it comes out of being hurt and there really is no punch behind it. Get together with your girlfriend; confront Gina, and end this ridiculous situation. The situation is not “out of your hands.” You are involved in it up to your eyebrows and you need to do your part to resolve it. Good luck! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I am in my sophomore year at college and this is my first semester after coming out of the closet. Recently I have been looking for someone to date and I found this really nice freshman (for the purpose of keeping his identity a secret I'm going to call him “Matt”). Unfortunately he is causing me a lot of problems. When we first started to get to know each other, and I first told him that I liked him, he informed me that he was in an open relationship with a girl (whom I do not like at all but I’ll get to that later. I'm going to call her “Kelly”). I let him know that I was fine with it at first but if he found that he really liked me he would have to end the relationship with Kelly. Over the next couple of weeks everything was fine. We took it really slow by just hanging out with each other. After a while things started to get weird. Matt would suddenly get really depressed and moody. It seamed like he would half ask me for help and when I tried to help him he would just pull away and not let me in. This happened a couple of times now and I have been so uncomfortable around him. This could be partly because I am still not used to actually being in an intimate relationship with another man. I want to help him so badly but I am just terrified that I am going to scare him off. I feel like the source of all of his troubles is his girlfriend. I really can’t go too far into it because it is really personal but Matt and Kelly’s relationship seems to be very abusive. It is not just me who thinks that. The RAs in his building also think this too. Every weekend she comes up from her school so she can be with him. When she is here she is very rude to everyone. She has made no attempt to meet any of his friends and when she does hang out with everyone she just sits there and complains about everything. The thing that just pisses me off most about her is how she acts when I'm around her. First of all she tries to make out with Matt whenever I'm having a conversation with Matt. She also tries to argue and disagree with me at every chance she can. It drives me crazy. Yesterday Matt went into one of his moods because of Kelly. I kind of had a mental breakdown. All my emotions just seemed to well up all at once and I had a one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had. It’s been over 24 hours and my body still feels drained and I am having intense back pain because of it. I could barely move all day. It would have been a lot worse had it not been for one of the RAs on duty who knew how to hit certain pressure points on my head to calm me down and put me to sleep. I am 99% sure that Matt saw me like that and knew that he kind of caused it. My friends told him that I just had a headache but I think he is smart enough to put A and B together. I feel like I need to talk to him but every time I see him now I get emotional. I'm terrified that I could be sent into another anxiety attack, I don't know how I could handle another one. What should I do about this whole situation? Sincerely, Timmy * * * Dear Timmy, Instincts are a highly underrated ability that humans possess, just like animals. When I read a letter like this and hear the writer’s suspicions, I can often perceive that they are spot on and that the writer is just looking for a little confirmation from an old bear because he or she is not confident in a tried and true animal capability. Papabear has an instinct, too, that you are right, both about Matt’s girlfriend and that Matt probably knows how his relationship with Kelly is affecting you in a bad way. Many people, when they think of abusive relationships, think only in terms of a man hurting a woman, but it happens more than you think. Papabear himself knows of a couple friends who are in a bad situation with their female partner. A recent study showed that about 40% of domestic abuse cases are actually women perpetrating it against men. Here is a useful article on the subject that includes a couple hotlines: http://www.oregoncounseling.org/handouts/domesticviolencemen.htm. There are a number of reasons why people like your friend Matt stay in such relationships. One is that there are children involved, but I’m guessing that’s not the case here. More likely, Matt is suffering from poor self-esteem and blames himself whenever Kelly hurts him. The “I deserve it” syndrome. Papabear has a dear friend who is a classic case of this. When I first met him, he said “I’m sorry” so many times—for things he had no reason to apologize for—I almost wept to see such a beaten-down person. Matt likely got into a relationship with you because his spirit desperately needs some affirmation and love. But now you, Timmy, are caught in a difficult balancing act between your desire to have a loving relationship with Matt and your even more important need to protect yourself from a pain you don’t deserve. I would suggest you talk to Matt directly about this, but if it is going to cause you an anxiety attack we need an alternative. You mention the RA, who seems like a cool person who is also aware of the situation. Sounds like a potential moderator. Talk to him and see if you can find a way for the RA to sit Matt down and find out what is going on and if he is, indeed, being abused. There is help for both Matt and Kelly in this situation (Kelly needs help, too--I suspect a lot of this has to do with jealousy, but am not sure when the abuse started). If you can’t get the RA to do it, perhaps there is a health center at your school you can go to and ask for help. There are also the hotlines you can call (see above link). We need to find out better what’s going on in Matt’s head before proceeding. If Matt can improve his relationship with Kelly, this will help you as well and you won’t have to work on any other solution. If the Matt-Kelly situation doesn’t improve, or gets worse, that’s when you have to take a deep breath and talk to Matt, despite the anxiety. (If it’s really bad, you could write a letter to him as a last resort). Offer your help and love, but explain to him that you can’t stand by and watch Kelly abuse him as it is making you, quite literally, ill. If he cares about you, he won’t put you through that. It is a wonderful thing to help and love others. Do so as much as you can, but not to the point where you hurt yourself because then you are just as much a victim of Kelly’s abuse as Matt is. This is going to take some time and patience. Thank you for writing me, and I hope the above helps. Please write again and let me know how things are going. Hugs of Bear Love, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I’m not sure even how to ask this, but I guess I should give you the background. Growing up, I’d had a pretty good childhood. No major traumas, easy to get along with, close friends … fairly sheltered, but that happens from time to time. As a young teenager, I moved into a new house, got into middle school, new grade. Everything started off reasonably, but very quickly I got cast as the outsider, and labeled. Things like ‘fag,’ or ‘homo,’ or ‘fairy,’ the last of which became my name at school. I’m not sure why. I guess I was different, but not in a way that I recognized at the time. I was probably a bit more innocent than my peers, maybe I walked different or talked different… I’m not sure. Maybe I came off as effeminate. At the time, I didn’t even know what those things were. They all had to do with things that I didn’t really contemplate. I certainly didn’t consider myself that … or, in fact, anything. I never talked to anyone about this, even my parents. I was always crushingly embarrassed about it, this thing that, apparently, is so terrible to be that no one talks about it. I grew to hate school. Eventually it encompassed the entire school, it was something that I couldn’t escape while I was there. I became utterly self-conscious about every aspect of my life, from the way I walked to the way I talked, trying anything to fit in. It never worked. This was a mostly emotional, and occasionally physical process, that went on for about three years. During this time, I was mostly a loner. But, as a teenager, I eventually became curious about my body, and discovered playing with myself anally. I loved the feeling it gave me, but I hated myself for doing it. Eventually I grew to loathe myself so much for doing this that I stopped it altogether. As with all things, this period came to an end. Near the end of my time in middle school, I’d attracted one more in a never ending string of bullies, and something snapped inside me, and I just started punching this one in the face over and over again. (I’m not condoning this, I’m just explaining what happened.) I wasn’t a very strong kid, I don’t think I damaged him any more than being surprised, but after that, everything changed for me. The last month of school, all my relationships normalized, and I started feeling happy again. I got my name back. And I was just like everyone else. One great summer off, and I was in high school, and everything was fine. In university I stumbled into a relationship with a girl that I’d hit it off with, we had sex, and it was fine for a while, but eventually we drifted apart, and I haven’t been looking for a relationship since. I just didn’t care. And that might be the last I’d have thought about it but for recently, when an online acquaintance asked me if I was gay. I laughed and said no, and we talked about it for a bit while I surfed M/M furry porn on my other screen. About a week later I realized the mental disconnect and thought about it, and that dragged me back to that time in my life when I was most unhappy. And then I started thinking. I don’t really think of women sexually. I mean, I can appreciate them, but … I’m not sure if I ever felt that way, and I’d always considered myself straight. I’ve lurked in furry since the mid-90s, but I’ve never really gotten into it any more deeply. Now that I’m pushing 40, I’m starting to play around in it, talking to people and such, and the stuff that I like is always guys. And now I realize I’m a bit lonely, and I’m enjoying these connections, but … I’ve been hesitant. I figure I’m either lying to myself and the people I know in real life by saying I’m straight, or I’m lying to folks online by coming off as gay. And all I can think of is that time when I was 12, and how much of a waste my life has been, and how much I've hidden from myself, and how terrified I am that I’m going to get this all wrong. And then I feel a bit pathetic about it, but hey. :) Well. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to write this, as it’s been a bit cathartic, and for you to listen. But I suppose I should ask the question… how can I decide or find out if I’m really gay? Part of me thinks I know the answer, but… I hope this wasn’t too much. Thanks again for your time and energy, and running this place. -H (I don’t really have a fursona yet) * * * Dear H, Your letter really touches me because there are so many parallels with my own life. Papabear was bullied in school for not being very “butch,” shall we say, and not really liking sports and being shy. I’ve had sex with a woman and drifted away from her; I came to a point where I wouldn’t allow myself to be bullied any more and fought back; I’ve experimented sexually; and I’ve been confused about my sexuality, and have struggled to find a group in which I could fit (finding furries, too). Not everything is the same of course. Your situation is unique in one very important way: have you considered that you might be asexual? This is a very real sexual preference, and I’ve known a couple people who really and truly don’t care much about sex. That shouldn’t be considered a bad thing; it’s just the way you are—or, at least, how it sounds to me at this point. Yes, you could also be gay, but it does sound to my fuzzy ears that you might just be considering that because you discovered the furry community and stumbled on some of the gay art on the site and are trying to fit in to that part of the fandom (remember, though, the majority of furries are actually straight or straight-leaning). I understand your fear of getting it “all wrong.” As you approach 40, it is a time when many of us reevaluate our lives and question where we have been and where we are going. I came to the realization I was gay at the age of 40 (and have a few furiends with similar experiences), and it was both a liberating and terrifying episode of my life. What you need to do, though, is set aside that fear because it will keep you from discovering your true self. Having a sexual preference other than what is considered the norm in society—whether that is being gay, bi, or something else—is scary because we want to be accepted by others. But sacrificing ourselves to fit into a mold and please others is a mistake. (You could, indeed, be suppressing your sexuality, as indicated by the fact that you were ashamed of stimulating yourself anally to the point of stopping it all together). Papabear suggests you do two things, therefore: 1) Put aside your fear and your desire to please others instead of yourself; and 2) don’t worry about your sexuality. The first point is pretty clear, I believe, but let me explain that second point further. You say that you have been exploring some of the M/M art on furry sites and that you feel more comfortable around guys. Getting a bit stimulated by male art when you are male is actually very natural, even for straight men. There’s this great bit that comedian Ron White does. He’s chatting with a straight buddy and tells him, “I can prove you’re gay.” And the friend responds, “No way, I’m straight.” And White says, “Oh, yeah? Well, do you watch straight porn?” And his friends says, “Hell, yeah.” White continues, “And when you see a guy with a beautiful woman, do you want that guy to have a little penis that’s all limp and dangling?” And his friend goes, “Hell, no! I like a guy with a big rock hard penis and *GASP!*” and the audience laughs. Let me go the other way with this. Papabear is gay, as you know, but there are some pieces of straight furry porn that get me going, too, if it’s done really well. So, there you go. Your porn preference really isn’t a totally accurate barometer. The next obvious question is, “Have you been with a man yet?” My guess is no, not yet, am I right? Now, don’t expect me to tell you to march out there and find a guy and get naked with him. Not gonna happen. Which brings me to my final explication on point #2. Instead of fretting about your sexuality as if it existed in a vacuum, what you need to do is go out into the world and find someone to love. Socialize with other people (and going to furmeets and stuff is a great way to do this—a great social vehicle to put yourself out on the market, so to speak) and don’t worry about the sex, at least not for now. You will eventually, inevitably, run into someone for whom you have an attraction. Some of it sexual, probably, but hopefully a lot of that attraction will be for the person as a whole. If that person is another man, fine; if not, that’s fine too. Let yourself go and your natural sexual persuasion will make itself known. Who knows? You might even come across an asexual person and neither of you will want sex; you’ll just enjoy being with each other. In other words: don’t over-intellectualize it. Stop thinking, and start doing. And let me know how it goes. Write soon. Hugs, Papabear Heya Papabear!
Felt I need at least some advice on this as it is really starting to stress me out and scare me a bit. I'm having some school issues at the moment. I am in the IB program in my senior year and I'm getting ready for my exams and such. The problem I have is with the IB moderator. Lately she has been on my case about every little thing and is taking every chance she gets to attack me for my work and patronize me as well. It's not that my work is bad, but I have slipped past a few Bad grades with make up summer work. Two years ago, she was helping me out with this and didn't really seem that interested. Now, my grades have improved dramatically and I'm doing very well in school right now, but she is still attacking me for not turning in my CAS (basically service) hours on a regular basis and for being behind on my Extended Essay. She seems to ignore the fact that I update my CAS hours in bulk and once I finish with the next update, I'll only need about 40 hours left to go which should be filled up quite soon. She also seems to ignore the fact that many other IB students hardly have any hours turned in. With the 200+ hours we need, I don't think getting on my case about it is very helpful. My EE is another story. My subject is in biology, but I have nowhere to go. My thesis problem doesn't fit well so now I'm thinking of switching subjects to history, which I should be able to do. However, I have a feeling she will not allow that, and that will be outlined shortly. The EE itself, though, is due in February, so I have enough time to write one over breaks and such. Her actions have gotten to be very very strange lately as well. She is openly scowling at me in school hallways and the lunch room. It's freaking me out a little bit. I don't know if I did anything to insult her or what. I've hardly seen her and the one time I had a meeting with her, I've made an effort to be polite and kind. My parents tried having a conference with her a while ago, but she ended up handing all the paperwork she had to my guidance counselor who had no idea what to do with it, and proceeded to walk out of the school and leave, passing my parents on the way and telling them the meeting was in a different room and not her office. She called me into her office the next day during school and asked if I wanted to meet. I replied I would like a meeting, but that I didn't feel prepared at the time and would rather have my parents there with me. She instead replied that she would like to get it over with and forced the meeting on me without my consent. To be fair, she did say she was not available the day before as she had a "family emergency." Why she didn't tell my parents when she saw them is beyond my comprehension. Her brother did die a few months before, but that was about a month and a half before school started. And she was absent for the first month of school anyway. I found out through a teacher that I am good friends with that this moderator has set up a secret agenda with my teachers and if I miss a deadline or appear to be off track of the material (a problem that has never occurred), they are required to inform her and not me. I also found out last Friday that she passed by one of my friends in the hallway and proceeded to ask if they were friends with me. When my friend replied that she was, the moderator just walked away, not saying anything. That's really creepy. My parents are rightfully angry at her and wonder why the principal doesn't do anything. They don't seem to understand that the principal is nothing but a placeholder now. This IB moderator placed herself in a very strong position. She can get almost anyone in the school fired by appealing to the principal. I don't understand how this school could have fallen so fast. It was only a few years ago it was recognized as a Blue Ribbon school. She's really causing me to stress out and I have no idea what to do. I have to meet her soon to discuss changing my EE subject, but I'm scared she'll say no for no other reason than I’m not doing well in the subject I have, and I'll be stuck in a subject I am having a lot of trouble with. Also, I probably have to have a one-on-one sit down with her and ask her what her problem is with me. I'm genuinely confused and getting scared for my diploma. It will not be fair to kick me out of this program in my senior year. All the work I've done will be worthless. So why do you think she's attacking me so much? I can understand a reason for motivation, but it's gone way past that. I already show my grades spiking, and I'm working my hardest, and I already have enough stress helping my friends out when they really need it. I don't need this extra stress and I don't think she does either. Thanks for reading, DT * * * Dear DT, This is a very odd case. I have never heard of a moderator of this type apparently wielding so much power at a school, even, according to you, having sway over the principal. So, first question would be whether she treats other students the way she treats you, or if you are her special little target. If she is just being weird with you, I find it hard to believe that it would just be because you had some problems with some classes in the past. I’m sure she would get that sort of issue all the time with other students. Assuming you are telling me everything you know, and not holding back on something you have done to her to cause her to act like this, Papabear would guess that she is also treating other students badly, no? This would mean there is quite a performance issue involved. Why she has so much sway over all the teachers in your school, as well as administration, is beyond me. I could only speculate. Bringing your parents into the issue (which is the correct first option) didn’t seem to work, and getting them in a meeting with the principal also seems unpromising. There are two other places you can go, however, if you have not tried to do so: 1) the Parent Teacher Association, and 2) the school board. Both have conflict resolution bodies. Talk to your parents and contact both organizations for your school. Let me know how it goes and if more help is needed. Hugs, Papabear P.S. To my readers: It has been 30 years since I was in high school and I'm sure things have changed a lot. Since I have no children of my own, I may easily be unfamiliar with other options that might be available in the case above, so please feel free to offer suggestions. Thanks! I know I have contacted you multiple times before about "love issues" but this time it is different.
A few nights ago, I had an interesting (for lack of a better term) dream. The dream was like this: I heard a gunshot near my house, so I ducked and got away from windows. About 5 gunshots later, it finally stopped, so I went to peek through a pair of blinds and I saw a furry that I recognise. I opened the blinds and in doing so, I noticed some other furs that I recognised as well as a lot of other furries I didn't personally recognize. I was motioned to come outside so I did and when I got to where everyone was, 2 people were lifting a body in a fursuit out of a ditch, the person in the suit had been shot at least 3 times (Probably due to the shots I heard earlier) and had bled to death through 3 bullet-holes that had penetrated his suit (This was no fur in particular, just a random fur). Everyone there was mourning, and when all was said and done, I told myself that I would find the person that did that and make sure justice is served. Does this dream mean anything? And if so, what does it mean? I await your response. With great curiosity, Kumori * * * Hello again, Kumori, My goodness, I'm glad I've found such a fan in you :-3 and hope my past advice has helped. Papabear believes there are two kinds of dreams: 1) dreams that are rather random and just the mind at play; and 2) dreams that have meaning. Because yours is such a detailed dream, I am inclined to think that it is of the second variety. Numbers play a very big part in this dream, and number symbolism is therefore germane to an interpretation of the dream. In this case, the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5. In your dream, it begins with the sound of 1 gunshot. When you hear this, you are alone, scared by the sound, and go (temporarily) into hiding. The number one can stand for things like loneliness, but also leadership. You start off alone, but then note in your dream that you transition into leadership as you join your fellow furries outside. The next number in your dream is 5--five more shots after the first. Five represents boldness of action, and you'll note that after the other five shots you go outside--you are summoned, actually, by another furry. Your furriness, therefore, may be spurring you into action. Three is the number of shots to the unfortunately dead furry. This furry, since you do not know him, is also a symbol. He stands for furries in general. Now, he is bleeding out of his three bullet hole wounds. Three, in this case then, I would interpret to represent vitality, as he is losing his vitality (blood) through his wounds. Two other furries lift the body out of the ditch--two representing cooperation, marriage, partnership. Therefore, a need for partnership to come to the aid of a serious problem. Therefore, I would interpret this dream overall to mean that you are feeling that you are alone and persecuted, and so is the furry community, by outside forces (generalized by the bullets, but no identifiable gunman). The brotherhood of the furry community, though, calls you to action and leadership against such persecution. Your dream is calling you to action and leadership. Perhaps you should consider doing so, if you haven't already. Hugs, Papabear P.S. to my readers: Letters have slowed down to a trickle. Please do not be shy or embarrassed to write me about anything! It doesn't have to be about relationship issues (as you can see above). Anything at all that is troubling you, feel free to bend this bear's ear. |
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