Dear Papabear,
I feel like my thoughts are going to end up coming across as a bit jumbled in this message, but I will do my best to present my thoughts as cohesively as possible. About a week ago, I had a conversation with a friend I'd met online. We hadn't even known each other for a month at this point. However, during this conversation, he asked if he could see my penis. I told him I was uncomfortable with showing him, and he apologized and seemed understanding of that. He then asked if we could chat over webcam, and for a little while we did. Afterwards, he asked if I had a hairy body. I told him that I was confused about the questions he was asking, since they came across as incredibly creepy. Keep in mind, the guy had told me that he wasn't even 17 years old yet. Anyway, I talked with a couple of my friends about this conversation soon afterwards. One of my friends understandably told me that my lack of comfort was understandable and that if someone asks those kind of questions it would be better not to show them until I'm sure the person isn't just trying to get in my pants or something. Other friends, however, told me that I was overreacting, and that I need to work on getting more comfortable talking to people over the internet. One such friend actually offered to help me become more comfortable. Mostly this consisted of me talking with him about various adult-themed works of fiction we'd found on FA that I didn't like for one reason or another, either because I didn't like the characters or the morals being expressed in the story were ones I found reprehensible. Eventually, however, it ended up escalating into an RP where the person I was talking to started hitting on, and even kissed my fursona and tried to dazzle him/me with sweet nothings about how he would 'show me love' or 'I need to lower my defenses' or 'I should be more sensual'. I probably could have just blocked the guy and been done with it, except that this conversation, and our roles in it seemed to remind me rather uncomfortably of the conversation I'd talked with you about previously with my other friend, where she was expressing anger and frustration at me despite me not realizing that, or even if I had been doing anything wrong from my perspective. In this case, I felt like I was the one demonstrating anger at the person I was talking to, and he was trying to help me in a way that he thought was acceptable. The incident is still haunting me, even after a whole night's sleep. After all these things, I think I'm starting to experience the fear that I'm starting to lose my ability to trust people, or expect honesty from people. My social bubble is already fairly limited as is, but after these incidents I'm scared that it's going to end up shrinking even further, to the point that I can't even talk to people without getting paranoid, or even trust my own thoughts and feelings. ...I'm scared. My hands are trembling, my mind is numb, I don't even think I trust myself enough to be able to drive effectively in my current state of mind. What should I do? Valeyard * * * Hi, Valeyard, You are learning that there are a lot of people out there who want to do sexual roleplay on the Internet. This kind of behavior is fairly common online. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean you have to participate in it. Papabear advises you that if you do not feel comfortable with this kind of behavior, you simply tell the other person, "I am flattered you want to do this with me, really, but I am not interested in yiff. I am just looking for friends and I am not comfortable with cam-ing or sexual roleplaying." This might cause you to lose some "friends" who want to have sex. Don't worry about it. If people block or ignore you because you're not a slut, that's their problem. You will also find furiends who are totally cool with your desire not to be sexual online because, for you, sex is something that is a lot more personal and intimate. It might not seem like it, but there actually ARE a lot of furries out there who are not into the X-rated stuff. Too, you might be surprised, there are furries who DO like the sex stuff but they are good people who will respect you and your wishes even if you don't care to do online sex. Hang out with these latter two types :-) Don't be scared, hon. Stick up for yourself and do only those things that you are comfortable with. No one can make you do stuff online you don't want to do. Yeah, there are jerks out there who will get pissed if you don't, but they are easy to ignore and delete. There are plenty of furries out there who will respect you for that. I am one of them. Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
First thank you very much for your advice on my first letter ^^ It helped. This letter how ever is about more of how I am feeling on the inside about the future. So a little bit of background, since it seems like its needed, throughout my whole life I feel that my mother has been too tough on me when it comes to school and my life. She has gotten easily frustrated and upset when I have trouble with school work and when I tend to 'complain'. She gets on my case on and on about how she can't hold my hand forever and lead me through life, so then when I entered high school I tried to 'let go' of her hand but I always needed help because I get easily distracted, confused and make many more mistakes when I over think. I've made this idea to try and let go for every year of high school (entering my senior year in about a week) but yet its either I still need her or she won't let go. She gets on my case about simple things like "Clean your room it’s a mess!" Correction its not a mess its just a little over crowded with neat piles of things around the place and against the wall; I can still walk in it, the floor is visible and why does it bother you, do you live in it? Then it can get with other more serious things like College, IB program, and how I am to get ready for the outside world. Yes I am aware that college is important! Yes I plan to go to college and yes I want to achieve my major but you are making it so I don't want to go after my major! I had to drop IB (a higher level of learning) because it was too much for me and I eventually had to go to a therapist to work out my feelings and stress levels; yes you wanted me to try and be better but was it worth it me almost losing my mind? I know what I want to do in my life (I want to work in film production, most likely directing) and which I try to film with my friends (we have a YouTube channel) but we don't have time to film, not the money to buy production things, our schedules are very different and we are just high schoolers. My question is (sorry about the ramble by the way) that I want to show her that I am growing up but it’s like she keeps trying to interfere. Yes I should be spending more time on research and such but she is overbearing me. Talking won't work because I seem to always get the "You aren't trying hard enough" speech. I've wanted to change my major because I like different things too (so maybe a minor) but I know I just wanted to change because she keeps pestering me about a portfolio which is hard for film! (I do love other things like drawing, sketching, writing, I make amateur cosplays and costumes, in the middle of making a fursuit and baking) She is overbearing and just frustrating me, its like she wants to know every inch of what I want to do with my life (she doesn't know I'm bi but she knows I'm a furry) but how should I deal with her? She complains how I don't communicate but I'm trying to do things on my own because I'm trying to be an adult but it doesn't seem to be working when I come crawling back for help. Oh geez I'm sorry for the ramble Papabear.... *ears droop and holds tail sadly* Conri Neon * * * Hi, again, Conri, Glad I was able to help with you earlier. Let’s see if Papabear can unravel this situation with your mom. A lot of what you are saying here seems to me no worse than the typical parent-child collision of wills that occurs when the offspring are in their teens. Let’s put this in perspective a bit, Conri. Your mother is not abusive, she seems to be trying to help you, she wants you to get an education, and if she wants you to straighten up your room more than it is, well, most parents think their kids don’t keep their rooms neat enough. What you see as interfering, I see as a parent trying to be involved in her son’s life and to help him. Consider yourself lucky, Conri. Do you know how many parents out there don’t give a damn about their kids? How many actually throw them out of the house? How many abandon them and leave them homeless? I don’t mean to make light of your situation, and I understand that you are frustrated, but try to look at this from your mother’s point of view. She sees her son is struggling, and she doesn’t know what to do about it. She’s probably very worried about you, especially since you had to go into therapy. Perhaps she is a bit overwhelmed, and because she feels overwhelmed her efforts come off wrong and seem to you to result in her trying to control your life. I don’t think that’s the case. So, here’s what you do if you want your situation to improve. You wish to be treated like you are more mature and independent? Then act that way by sitting down with your mom and creating a plan for the next couple of years of your life. Take a sheet of paper, and, working with your mom, outline goals that you would like to achieve in finishing high school and planning and attending college, including everything from taking ACT, PSAT, and SAT tests, to hunting for colleges, figuring out how to pay for school, deciding if you will find work and, if so, how you will find that work, what your living arrangements will be, how you will budget for your expenses and how to control your flow of money. I say this because I have a sense you don’t really have much of a plan for your life at the moment, other than some vague ideas of being a film director. You need to do two things: 1) go to a good film school; 2) actually make films. Given those two things, design your goals. Your mother is a resource, not an adversary in this. Recognize this. She is on your side, not against you, and you’re going to need an ally in this world if you are to succeed because, guess what, most of the people out there don’t know who you are, don’t care, and won’t help you unless you can impress them. Therefore, it is more logical for you to work with your mom and not against her. While you’re at it, tell her you love her. When was the last time you did that? And, not that kind of mumbling, grudging “love you, too, Mom,” but a sincere, “Thank you for trying to help me, Mom. I love you.” Papabear’s instincts tell me, despite your letter, you really do love her, and I am sure she loves you, too. Start with love, move on to cooperation, and you will do much better than you are doing right now while also showing your mom you have matured. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I'm a musician, and I make EDM [electronic dance music]. I love it when others listen and enjoy it, and every comment I get that's good brings me so much happiness. But that's not what this question is about. I know when you make some kind of art form, whether it's drawing, music, writing, animation, or whatever, you're supposed to make it so you like it, and not care for the other's opinions, but I have really low self-esteem and like I said before, I really care for everyone that comments on what I do. Recently, I felt I had finally gotten really good at what I do, but when I've gone back and looked at what others think, I keep getting hateful comments. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry when I see that. It makes me want to cry. But, again, that's not what this question is about. My question for you is what do you think I should do to fix this? I know there will always be haters on something that's good, but I just can't get over that hate. It really hurts me to the point that I want to just quit what I love doing. So, I ask for your advice, What should I do to get over their hateful comments? Thanks a bunch, Gelato The Dragon * * * Hi, Gelato, As a writer, I can certainly sympathize with the pain of criticism. My fantasy novel was rejected by about 100 publishers before I found Double Dragon Publishing. Even after it was published, it sold very poorly, which also hurt and is really, quite frankly, why I gave up being a fiction writer. I put years of writing, rewriting, and marketing effort into the book for, really, no positive feedback, financially or critically. I then moved on to nonfiction, publishing ten books, including one I was particularly proud of about a zoo in Lansing, Michigan. Again, nothing. So, I didn’t write anything other than for my job as an editor for years. Then I decided to write this column—and I discovered my niche! Sure, I don’t make any money on it, but that’s not the point. I’ve gotten wonderful feedback from many people and that’s what makes it all worthwhile because I know I’m doing something positive that benefits others and people enjoy reading. You are correct that you should pursue the arts for the love of the arts, not for the lust for lucre. You still have that joy of creating music, so that’s good! I hope you don’t lose that. Now, if you were getting nothing but negative comments about your EDM compositions, it would be one thing, but you are actually getting some good responses, too. So you know you are not really off track here. But if you feel you are getting too much negative input, perhaps you should experiment with other forms or variations of music until, like me, you discover your niche. Music is a very far-ranging art, and maybe you should try experimenting more with all the genres that are out there, or maybe you just need to get more wild and outrageous with the EDM genre itself. Perhaps others think you are too imitative? And remember, in the worst-case scenario, even if you stop composing original music yourself, you are still a musician, and there is much joy you can get out of that by just playing other people’s music. Another possibility for the negative feedback is jealousy on the part of others. It can be the case, sadly, that when certain shallow people see someone being very successful at an art form in which they themselves stink, they get some satisfaction by trying to trash the person they envy. A friend of mine who is into mascotting has come across the jealousy effect in his life. He has become so good at being a mascot that he is beginning to do well professionally. It seems like the better he does and the more money he makes, the more invective he receives from certain jealous furries. Ugly, but true. But, to the point: how do you get over the emotional pain of harsh criticism? First of all, consider the source. Is the person criticizing you someone you respect and admire, such as a teacher or a famous musician? If so, yes, that would hurt indeed and maybe you should really see what you can do to improve your skills; hopefully, their criticism is constructive, not simply insulting, and you can learn from it. Papabear suspects, though, that the criticism you are getting is from the plethora of derps and trolls that slither through the digital miasma of Internet chat rooms, blogs, and social sites. They probably are not even musicians themselves. To put a spin on an old adage: those who cannot do, teach ... or become critics. If they are not musicians or composers themselves, then you can always challenge them to either do better than you have or shut up. And if they are musicians or composers, you can always turn the tables and criticize their work in return. That is, if you really wish to expend the effort. Artistic spirits like you and I are often the targets of the unimaginative and the hateful, Gelato. It helps to develop a bit of a tough skin so that the slings and arrows bounce off. Hey, you’re a dragon, put those shiny scales to good use! At the same time, don't forget you're getting a lot of positive feedback, too! Really, this is what you should be focusing the most on. When you hear a compliment, take another look at what that person likes about your EDM compositions and learn from what you are doing right and what is attracting people to your music. And remember, too, yet another possibility: maybe you’re so damn good and ahead of your time that ordinary people don’t understand what you are trying to do artistically and, therefore, criticize you in order to not appear stupid themselves for being so dense. I have a friend who is an artist and does really amazing acrylic-medium paintings. I love his stuff, yet he has an extremely difficult time selling his pieces because they are out of the ordinary (check him out at his website http://www.digspace-artgallery.com/). I hope that helps, Gelato. Hey, send Papabear a link to some of your tunes and I’ll post them here and maybe we can get some comments from my readers? Hugs from one artist to another, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I would like to start by saying I am 26 and have only recently started immersing myself in the fandom, just wanted to put that out there up front. :) Only a week or two ago, I ended up having a long talk with a boy in an online game that I have gamed with pretty much daily for the last couple months. He had, since joining my group (along with another friend of his from FA), made comments about being a furry at times. Obviously, I had heard the term before (usually in a very bad context~~much as I hear people using the term "faggot" >.< ) but had never talked with anyone labeling themselves as such. Being the curious person I am, and generally liking the guy, I had to dig deeper and ask some questions. Needless to say, I ended up making an account on FA, and doing a lot of reading and browsing around—eager to be part of what seems to be the most accepting and affectionate community I have had the chance to learn about. Having been an avid role player since I was in my mid teens, I immediately started working on fashioning myself a fursona that I could relate to (which is an ongoing project). While I tend to get along really well with most people in real life, I am very introverted (although it may not seem that way to people). I have a hard time forging friendships that I feel are meaningful. I tend to read very deeply into what people say and how they act around me, often noticing things that make me lose interest in them. I know it is a horrible way to be, but I just do not want to waste my time with insincere friendships or being used. So I have very few, but very dear friends that I keep close to my heart. But through the years, role playing has allowed me to express myself in ways I have not been comfortable with, and to experience things from a different perspective. Well, my question really is: is it okay for me to identify strongly enough with my sona that it feels natural for me to express love and physical intimacy through him? I am just really nervous about this aspect, because I don't want to portray myself as some sort of fetishist or pervert (especially being new to the community). Sorry if this seems like a dumb question... V/R, BB * * * Dear BB, No, it’s not a dumb question; it’s an excellent question, actually. You’re asking is it okay for you to assume the character of your fursona and to have relationships with other people as your fursona. This depends on how you answer The Big Question: are my actions while in fursona deceitful or honest? If you are acting honestly as you are in character, then you are fine. If you are using your fursona to try to trick someone into doing something, anything, that they otherwise would not do, then that’s not fine. An extreme example of “not fine” would be a man who stalks young girls on the Internet, telling them he is things he’s not in order to get her to meet with him privately and then raping or abducting her. You could imagine something like that happening as someone assuming a fursona, too, although I have never heard of a furry behaving so badly as that. Perhaps a guy pretending he is a furry approaching a girl furry. That’s simply wrong and, in extreme cases like above, illegal and immoral. The above, again, is just my exaggerating the worst-case scenario. I’m sure you’re not talking about anything like that, but I’m just putting it out there for the sake of my readers. On the other paw is when you use your fursona to more freely express yourself, to help you shed some of your inhibitions so that you aren’t actually being less honest but more honest. I find that, as my bear self, I am more easily able to express affection for other people, especially furries. You comment in your letter how you are rather introverted and have a hard time making friends. That can actually be a good thing in that you are being very discriminating and the friends you do make are real friends, not fair-weather friends. But perhaps you feel a need to be a bit more friendly and your fursona can serve as a tool for making that happen. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. I have made a number of good friends because they were first attracted to my bear fursona. Later, as we got to know each other, they also came to know my human side and we became even closer friends. So, I guess you could look at it as your fursona being a kind of ice breaker. Something to lessen the tension of a first meeting and to help introduce yourself. Your fursona can also be more than just a tool in this sense. You mention how you are identifying strongly with your fursona; I do as well. That’s okay too, and it makes sense because you have created your fursona based upon your own likes and dislikes. So, naturally, your fursona is strongly reflective of who you actually are. In a way, it is an enhanced, new and improved you. Don’t buy into all the hype and crap you see on the Internet that is obviously making you think that you are being a pervert because you assume a fursona and have some interpersonal (possibly erotic) exchanges. You are exploring a side of you that will help you learn more about yourself, and that is perfectly fine. Remember, don’t let society define you; define yourself. That’s the key in how to do it because usually society is wrong and puts unnecessary boundaries and shackles on us in order to control and subjugate us beneath the power elite—in order to smash square pegs into round holes. Becoming your fursona is simply one way—one very imaginative and creative way—of discovering your true self. Hugs, Papabear Hi there, Papabear,
I've wrote to you twice before, you replied to my first letter, but not my second. Don't worry though, I know you get busy and stuff. Anyway, I'm a 16 year old boy who lives in Australia and well I've had an internet relationship with a guy who lives in America. I can't take it anymore and after much thinking have finally decided to break up with him, when I get time to talk to him... So, a problem I have now though, is that I really feel like a need a mate who can be with me physically. And basically there is a guy who I can physically meet up with every now and again and I know that I've fallen in love with him which is the real issue here. I mean, he's a good friend, and he knows I love him, but he has a girlfriend. Due to him having a girlfriend I've tried to distance myself from him a bit and not be in love, because I think it'll bring trouble. However, no matter how hard I try I end up falling in love with him again, with a stronger feeling each time... It hurts me that I know he doesn't love me back and that he has a girlfriend, and I try to stop it, but I can't help it. My instincts and feelings keep bringing me to love him, despite the fact that I know it won't work... What do I do? Thank you for reading this, Hendorne Endoh'roth * * * Hi, Hendorne, Sometimes an email sneaks by my old eyes, sorry about that! On to your current dilemma.... Smart move, first of all, dropping the LDR with the American. Unless you planned to one day live with him and either move to America or have him move to Australia, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning. As for falling in love with a heterosexual guy who doesn’t return your affection, I’ve seen this happen before to other people, sometimes with heteros and sometimes with gay people who simply don’t love the other person back. It happens. One thing I have learned in talking to the love-smitten is that it’s silly to tell them they should abandon their emotions and move on. We love what we love, and we cannot control our hearts. This is the hard side of the emotion that people don’t discuss too often because it seems in most cases it is harder to find love at all, let alone unrequited love. What people often fail to understand, however, is that it is possible for the human heart to love more than one person. Love is a renewable and self-generative resource. If we allow it to, it can fill our hearts over and over again without end. It is also a free resource, so it won’t bankrupt you to have lots and lots of love. Therefore, it is also a class-less resource. You cannot hoard it and prevent other people from being in love. It is okay for you to love the guy with the girlfriend. What would not be okay, of course, is trying to break up his relationship so you can have him for yourself. Recognize this and you will be fine. You might even have the courage to tell him, “I love you, but I know you love your girlfriend, so I won’t interfere. Just wanted you to know that you are loved and I’m here for you as a friend if you need someone to lean on.” You are free to find love elsewhere. There are many many many people out there like you who need someone in their lives they can love, people who are not already taken, single people. They are not difficult to find if you look. You have the right to love many people. One of those people, one day, will be extra-special because he/she will become your mate, but that never means you can’t love other people, as well. Just note that, when I say “love,” I don’t mean jumping into bed with all these people, I simply mean allowing yourself to feel tenderness and caring for others beyond mere friendship. Hope that helps! Papabear I have a little problem. I don’t know what to do. This is the problem: a fur [is] accusing me as a fursona stealer. His name is J--- C------. He is attacking my Facebook friends. He is threating them. And me. He tells me I stole his fursona. Well two weeks ago a fur friended me. He was a pig fur. Name J--- in Savannah, Georgia. JC accused me of stealing his pig fursona. Then he is posting on Facebook and other websites, saying I’m a fursona stealer. This is not true. I never steal anyone’s fursonas. But I already blocked him and reported him. But he is creating bunch of accounts telling all the furs who are on my Facebook friends list that I’m a fursona stealer. Cause of this I lost J as my Facebook friend. So J blocked me. On both accounts I tried to tell him. But JC is still posting somewhere, telling all the furs I’m a fursona stealer. Plus I been warned 3 times on Facebook. If he keep doing this, I might lose all my Facebook friends and my Facebook accounts. I already block JC on both accounts. But he is still posting that I’m a Fursona stealer. I don’t know what to do. Can you please give me advice?
Thanks, Brownee Bear * * * Dear Brownee, All of this is very immature trolling on JC’s part. It’s also immature of your so-called friends to unfriend you because of some unsubstantiated accusations by some derp. True friends would believe YOU and not this troll, who is just doing this because he is a pathetic worm with nothing better to do with his life than make other people feel bad. Papabear knows you personally, Brownee, and if you want to send them my way I will vouch for you that you are not a thief and do not steal people’s ideas about fursonas. There’s a couple of things about fursonas, while we’re on the topic. 1) They are not copyrighted, and so, to be honest, they are kind of fair game if someone wants to “steal” one. 2) People who do steal fursona ideas from other people are just showing how unoriginal their thinking is, but are not committing a crime. 3) You can report “stealing a fursona” to FB admins, but they probably won’t take the complaint seriously, so I don’t know why FB is warning you about this. So, Brownee, the point is, your real friends will stay true to you, like me! You do not have to worry about losing your real friends because they won’t believe this B.S. Secondly, and I think I’ve told you this in private conversations before, you shouldn’t worry about the rantings of a derp because they are not to be respected. The only opinions that should matter to you are those that come from people who deserve respect. If you really still care, though, I would go back in your post records, as far as you can go, and find the first time you posted anything related to your fursona and show it as evidence of when you started using that fursona. I’m not sure what evidence this other person has. Do you use the same fursona name? Does the fursona look the same? I mean, if both fursonas are pigs, and there isn’t much unique about them other than they are pigs, that is not really evidence of stealing. If there were, on the other hand, unique characteristics they both share (say, both pigs have purple hooves, wear leather jackets, have an ear ring in the left ear, and go by the name Percy) then there might be a problem. I guess the best way for me to determine that is if you sent me a jpeg of both fursonas to look at. Anyway, Brownee, you really are letting yourself get overly flustered over this. It’s just a fursona and a troll who is a big fat derp. Your real friends will stick by you, and any friend who drops you because of this is not a real friend. So, you know, chill, bear. Hugs, Papabear Hello again!
I wrote to you about a couple of months ago with my concerns about my sexuality and first I'd like to say thanks for the help. But now, my question. I am very much concerned about what might happen if people at my school find out about my sexuality, or what I think my sexuality is at this point (Bi-male preference). The problem is made harder by the fact that school children my age are the most horrible people on the planet and would use anything they could to make you feel unwanted and like a small insect under a bolder. If my sexuality was to get out, I would be constantly teased and made fun of and to be honest, I cannot take it, I've had it my whole life. My question is simple, What should I do if it gets out? I assume I'll either get in rather large fights with people, or get borderline-suicidal depressed, both of which aren't good when your GCSE's are months away. Would you happen to have any suggestions? I don't think there will be a problem, I keep it very quiet and I present myself as being on the more manly side and nobody could suspect anything. Thanks for reading Fred * * * Hi, Fred, It’s true that teenagers can be terribly cruel to one another and that bullying is a very real problem at schools across the country. Kids are very much like a wolf pack in school: when they see a weak member, they attack that wolf and make sure that he or she stays at the bottom of the hierarchy. In this respect, middle (junior) and high schools are very feral communities. So, there are two courses of action to take here: 1) things you can do yourself, and 2) things you can do to make sure parents and the school are involved. As for number one, you are probably correct that this is not the time to reveal your sexuality. When you get to college, you’ll be in an environment where that will be much more accepted—possibly even considered cool. The other thing you can do is prepare yourself for possible fights. Learn some self-defense, train in a gym, etc. Let’s face it, bullies are less inclined to pick on someone who has a good set of biceps because bullies are all cowards on the inside. If you’re a popular person with a lot of friends and you’re good at sports, then probably no one will pick on you at all. But, if you are more of a loner and don’t participate in sports, you might already be a target. That’s just the way school society works, sadly. So, be prepared for that. Next, do some checking on what programs are available at your school. What is the bullying policy? Is there a school counselor available for you? If you do get bullied, make certain that the teacher and principal know about it, and, if they do nothing, take it to the school superintendent. Still nothing done? Take it to your state department of education. I doubt you’ll have to take it to that high of an authority, though, as schools are really taking bullying a lot more seriously these days. Make sure your parents know, and also check out this site http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/index.html which includes information on your state’s particular laws on bullying. The point is, you don’t have to suffer alone and in silence if you are being bullied. TALK to people who can help you. Thankfully, you haven’t been bullied yet, and perhaps the strategy of being a “silently strong” guy could work for you. Word won’t get out that you’re bisexual if you don’t tell anyone, of course. If you DO tell someone, be careful whom you trust with this information. Remember, although it looks like you are in school with a bunch of your peers, you’re really in a jungle surrounded by wolves who can smell weakness. The only difference is that kids don’t always fight physically; they often just run a campaign of verbal smears and pranks and other cruel actions that, in some ways, are worse than being punched in the face. I know that from personal experiences with being bullied in school. To be fair, Papabear believes that being gay or bi is starting to be less of a stigma in American society, including among youth. From what you’re saying about your school, that might not be the case, but around the country there is a growing movement of student support. Check out this cool website called the Gay-Straight Alliance http://www.gsanetwork.org/about-us. If you really want to be proactive, you could start a GSA club at your school, which might help to educate your peers and gain you and those like you more acceptance. Where there is acceptance, there is less bullying. I hope some of this information helps you. I hope, too, that you can focus on what school is supposed to be about—academics—and get a good education without worrying too much about being bullied just because you’re bi. Bear Hugs, Papabear Well, firstly, this will be my third time writing in. Your advice has really helped me figure out a few things and while my life is taking an unexpected direction I'm starting to look forward to a fresh start. However, I find myself in the position of needing advice from someone older; someone who doesn't have a stake in my life and has been through the process of establishing themselves, if that makes any sense?
In my last letter I was mentioning family problems; I was very heavily financially tied to my family for far too long and when my mom and stepdad decided to split it was a total halt to my life as I knew it. They got together again, but I took some time to really think about my situation and decided it was time to change things. I've been working for the family business since I was in high school and I've lived in a rental property of theirs for almost as long. While they've reconciled, they've decided to stop the business, sell the properties and retire. That's fine by me; it gave me the motivation to figure out how to get out of this situation for good. I think I've made a major step towards that goal. I applied for a bunch of different jobs. I decided to shoot for the stars and figure out where I would land. I didn't hit the stars, but I feel like I hit the moon. A few days ago I accepted a job offer in a field that I am very much interested in. This could quite easily turn into a very nice career; my foot is in the door and it's my time to show the world what I'm made of. Between better hours and pay, I'm going to be making roughly twice what I used to. I'm not saying that to brag. I'm saying that because this means one thing to me: independence. I'll be able to afford a decent place without taking on roommates. I'll be able to quickly pay off the debts I owe without any serious fuss. I can finally free myself of worrying about whatever happens to my family dragging me around the country. The shocking part is that I managed to do this all myself, with no inside contacts. I'm nervous about this, but I'm also excited. Sorry for the big lead-in, but I have one huge question. How does one go about establishing themself? I'm going from living on my folks' coattails to being able to live independently and comfortably on my own. I already know I need to watch my expenses and not blow money needlessly; as it stands I have everything I need materially and most of what I want. I've unexpectedly found a major source of personal stability, so what now? What next? What can I do with this newfound freedom? I've never had this kind of stability before at pretty much any time of my life, so I'm completely confused as to what I can do with it. I'm scared to death but also very excited. What can I do to make a new life out of this? Heisenwolf * * * Dear Heisenwolf, Glad I have helped you some in the past :-3 Papabear is very proud of you for finding you can not only be successful but actually flourish after breaking away from being dependency upon you family. Good for you! You also appear to have a mature appreciation for the value of work and money, so doubly good for you :-) The first thing you do in your newfound situation is create a budget of income and expenses, and take at least part of the money left over each month and start a retirement/rainy day fund. It’s never too early to plan for retirement, and definitely not too early to plan for an emergency such as losing your job (try to set aside at least 6 months’ salary for that particular contingency). Also, if your employer is not providing medical benefits, search for a reasonable medical plan with not too high of a deductible. Hopefully, once Obamacare starts to kick in next year, that will become an easier process. It probably would not be a bad idea, especially because of your inexperience, to make an appointment with a financial planner to advise you on the above. If you like this new job and want to turn it into a career, then the thing to do is work very hard to excel at your job. Hopefully, there is opportunity for promotion, and you can continue to work toward better and better jobs. Also, don’t rest on your laurels. If there is opportunity for furthering your education or just getting more training of any kind in your field, do so. And never believe that your company will always be there for you. It could be bought out or go out of business without notice, so always have a plan in the back of your mind as to what to do should that happen. Okay, so, that is all the practical stuff. Now for the stuff that is more fun :-) Up until this point in your life, your worry has always been things like having enough money to get by and just survive. Now that you are finding yourself in a more comfortable position, take some time to think about the things that really matter to you. Do you wish to marry and raise a family? How about your spiritual life? Any artistic or inventive ambitions in your life? The good thing about money is that, when you have enough of it, you can start broadening yourself as a human being. It’s no longer a question of “Will I have enough to eat tonight?” but “What path should I take to have a spiritually and emotionally satisfying life?” Ask yourself these questions and listen to what your heart says in reply. Then see what you can do to fulfill your heart’s wishes. Congratulations! Good Luck! and Blessed Be! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm wondering what, in your opinion, is in store for the future of furries as it is going right now. Will there be less hate and more members or the other way around? Parts of the world seem to be going in a direction that may benefit us and others not so much. Staemwulf * * * Hi, Staemwulf, An interesting question. I don’t think anyfur really knows, but I can offer my speculations about the future of the fandom based on what has been happening over the last years. To gain perspective on where we are going, it might be good to understand first where we have been. I’ve always felt this was a pretty good summary of furry history: http://www.furrydolphin.net/2009_files/furry-history.html. As you can see from that article, derpiness and nasty arguments in the fandom are not something that is exactly new. Whenever you have more than one person involved in anything, you are going to have disagreements. In the fandom, it has been stuff like “Who is a real furry and who isn’t?” As you can see from the above, one of those issues was the whole furry “lifestyler” issue. Today, it is things like “Are Bronies furries?” and the stupid “popufur” nonsense. Such arguments will always be with us, and likely will increase as the fandom grows. That growth in participation is definitely having an effect on the fandom. According to one graph I saw posted on the Furry Fandom Infocenter at http://www.furryfandom.info/conventions.htm attendance at furcons has grown from about 5,000 a year in 1990 to about 25,000 in 2011. This is not only because attendance at existing cons is rising, but also because new cons are opening their doors every year. Some of the more recent ones include The Biggest Little Furcon (Reno), Arizona Furcon (Scottsdale), Indyfurcon, Fur the ‘More (Baltimore), and Unthrocon (Salt Lake City). As the fandom has grown exponentially, so has its diversity. There are more older “greymuzzles” than ever before, both because older people are starting to join in on the fun and because young furs are staying in the fandom long enough to be categorized as greymuzzles. I feel that’s a good thing because it should lend some maturity and experience to the furry gene pool. I think we are also seeing more women join in, and we will see more furries in Europe, Japan, Central and South America, and other parts of the world. Again, the more furries there are, the stronger we can be, but also we will need to be careful about the inevitable increase in arguments between different parts of the fandom, as well as between furries and mundanes. From what I’ve seen in the last 10 years or so, I think that the media is getting a bit better in portraying furries fairly. Also, some furries have been grabbing cameras and shooting documentaries and other informational videos. However, there is still a huge stigma out there. I see it all the time with furries writing to me saying their parents won’t let them be furry because they think we’re all furverts. What is needed now—and I know I’ve mentioned this before in my column—is a way to communicate better, both between furries in the fandom and between furries and the outside world. This is a big reason for the creation of the American Furry Association (www.americanfurryassociation.org). Right now, there is a TON of furry stuff on the Web and elsewhere. Sometimes it is hard to find and people are not aware of the many resources at their disposal, so the AFA will help organize that information and get it out to people, furries and mundanes alike. The more we talk and communicate, the better informed we will be and the better able to dispel misinformation and mitigate unnecessary conflicts. No one can accurately predict where the fandom is going, other than to say it looks like we will continue to grow for some time to come. Hopefully, we can do this without too many growing pains. Hopefully, too, stereotypes and false information about the fandom will decrease as we become harder and harder for mundanes to avoid and deny simply because we will be everywhere :-) Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear, Greetings from Brazil! :D
My question is if it's worth to try a homosexual relationship and risk to lose my family love or at least not going to be like before, just for knowing me better? (I going to tell you just a little something about me, just to you understand me, I hope you don't worry :x) From the beginning, I am very thoughtful before take any decision, and I see all things that involves to nothing go wrong, harm others and not make mistakes (I know no one can live a life without do mistakes, but I try to avoid them as much as I can), and I am a perfectionist, I never had much friends, just a few and real good friends, most of the part I am antisocial, shy, I was always was trying to be funny at all time just to see one smile and make me happy :D, and never had much experiences in my life and I am beginning to be more open to them (Think less and do more I suppose). I've never been attracted to a woman or to man. I never kiss or a girl or boy. I'm starting to think I'm going crazy thinking so much about my sexuality and what I want in my life. I grew up with my parents always fighting, my father always beat my mother real bad, and arrived at a point my mother gathered the courage to ask for a divorce (I was 13), finally she'll never have to suffer at his hands again (I live with her and my two sisters), he has to pay child support to me and my sisters but he paid only one year, he was forced to pay up until we reach 18 years, but he fled to avoid paying more and I never had contact with him again, so I begin my adolescence (14 years) without a father, now literally(when I lived with him was as if I was not his son, so much so that he said to my mom that he wanted a DNA Test), within my 14 years until my 18 I have spent more attracted to men than women, I wonder sometimes for lack of a presence of a father and I live with just my mom and my sisters, I may have been more influenced in some way by them having a more feminine, like this was going to me with the years, I always see them with boyfriends, hugging, kissing, leaving home to have fun at parties, I do not know. What I believe is that all this can be only psychological and spend, can not be? I think my parents is going to accept that, but not very well because no one in my family is homosexual neither bisexual, I will be a disappointment to my family as they themselves have said(in a moment of jest, but seriously saying), I love my grandparents, uncles, cousins from part of mother, from part of my father I lost contact with them also, I fear they going to make the talk harsh every time, look at me with a face disappointment and sadness(90% sure) and at worst lose touch with them too, without telling my friends that possibly lose it. I don't even want to imagine lose all of this just for confirm what I feel and try it. It's too much. If I try and like and lose my family love, not try and continues normally or try and lose my family love and see that this is not what I want and lose all?! Signed, Sieg P.S: Sorry if I wrote wrong, I hope you can understand what I wrote, you are the best! XD * * * Dear Sieg, I believe you are the first Brazilian to write Papabear. Thanks for your letter :-3 Your English is a lot better than my Portuguese, and I believe I understand what you are asking me, so no worries there. I believe what you are experiencing has more to do with the lack of a strong father figure in your life than with your necessarily being gay. You might or might not be gay, but what is more likely is that you are simply sexually confused because you don’t have a strong role model in your life. (Before I continue, a note to readers: I am not saying here that children raised by two fathers or two mothers cannot be socially well adjusted—heck, there are some women out there who make better male role models than men; what I will be talking about is statistical evidence of the negative impact on boys—especially heterosexual boys—without strong father figures in their lives.) Studies have shown that boys who grow up without fathers (or with bad father figures) in their lives are more prone to drug use, do less well in school, are more likely to get into trouble with the law, have a harder time feeling like they belong anywhere, and are more confused about their sexuality, sometimes acting out in inappropriate, even harmful ways. Therefore, before you worry about deciding where you stand on your sexuality, what you desperately need is a strong male role model in your life. I would suggest that you find someone like that with whom you can spend good quality time; someone who can help you learn to be a man, which is something your mother and sisters are not going to be able to do. This can be an uncle, or a grandfather, or perhaps a teacher, a coach, or an employer. You need a strong, older man in your life because your wife-beating, son-denying, hateful father was not a real man. Once you find someone like that, spend as much time as you can with him, whether it is working a job, or learning something, or doing something recreational. You need this in your life. Concentrate on this relationship, and don’t worry so much, for now, about your sexuality. You clearly don’t really know what your sexuality is at this point, so don’t try to “come out” to your family about being gay when you might not actually be gay. I hope you can find someone like this in your life. Write again soon and let me know how you’re doing. Papabear |
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