Hello, Papabear,
It's been a long time since I last asked you a question, but I hope you're doing well. I'm messaging for some advice because rgis is something that's been on my mind for a good while. I currently live with my mom and it's not really bad, but there are times she can be more of draining to me than my own job. I'm more than happy to help with stuff or grab something she needs, but sometimes when I've just finished a tiring ten hour shift and just got home she'll ask me to go right back out to grab something for her when she's been home all day and could have went out to grab it herself. There are times when she'll ask to use my car for something instead of her own for something. I don't mind since my car is bigger than hers and for groceries it certainly holds more, but there are times it messes with my own work schedule, and when I have no choice but to use her car, she'll leave it with little to no gas at all. But most of the issues I feel I get are from just being around her. There was a day she called me from my room just to see me and say "You're getting fat." It made my day which was relatively nice feel much worse. She says how she wants me to lose weight and worries about my health and right now I'm around the 240's, I'm actively moving about at work and I maintain my weight rather well but all she sees is my belly and just goes back to that. It feels as if everytime we talk her tone makes it that she looks down on me, or at the very least like I'm still a little kid. I sometimes wonder what to do, even my sister suggests I finally move out. I'm sorry for trailing on like this, my question after all of this is do you think it's a good idea for me to try moving out? Kageichi (29) * * * Hi, Kageichi, Please forgive me if I don't recall what we might have talked about in the past. Before I answer your letter in more detail, could you answer a couple of questions? 1) Why, at 29 with a full-time job, do you still live with your mother? 2) What are the conditions for your living at your mom's house? (e.g., i.e., do you pay rent or have some other agreement for your continuing to live there?) Thanks for your replies. Hugs, Papabear * * * Hello There First of all, it's alright. It has been many years since I last sent a letter to you. As for your questions, I live with my mom because while there are plenty of apartments a part of me feels pretty nervous too, I feel worried I might be unprepared to move out and handle being out on my own. A lot of things over the years just makes me have little confidence in myself. The living condition of living with my mom aren't bad. I help with some bills, and I give my mother 100 bucks a week. She never told me where the 100 dollars go to, but I just thought maybe it was for rent. * * * Okay, one more question if I may: how much $$ do you bring in per month? Also, does your job include any benefits like medical insurance? Oh, and what city and state are you in? * * * I get paid every week and since I work almost 40 hours every week, my pay usually rounds up from 500 to $700 a week after taxes is taken out. My job does include health insurance and 401K which some of my cash goes to. I live in D***, SC. * * * Hi, again, Okay, thanks for the information. So! Basically, you make about $2,400 a month take-home pay. I looked at apartment listings in the D***, SC, area, and you can get a studio or 1-bedroom apartment for anywhere between $800 and $1,500 a month or so. Let's say you find a good deal at $1,000 a month, leaving you with $1,400 a month. Let's further assume your car payment is $200 a month, leaving you with about a $1,200 a month for utilities, gas, food, sundries. That's not a lot in this economy, even in South Carolina (you wouldn't survive in an expensive state like New York or California). You're giving your mom $100 for rent a month (sometimes). You should be kissing and hugging her "Thank you!" for saving you so much money. You should NOT resent her if she asks you to occasionally buy some food or to borrow your car. And if the worst she does is suggest you might need to lose some weight? I would hazard a guess she is genuinely concerned about you staying healthy. Don't take it as a slam (unless she says it in a mean tone to you, but it sounds like some of that is how you are taking her words). If you moved out of the house, you would likely struggle financially unless you found a better-paying job. And, if you lost your job, you'd likely have to move right back in. Instead of complaining about your mom asking for a few things, you should sit down with her and make out a JOINT budget in which you figure out how you can pay your fair share for the room and board she is supplying you. If your biggest complaint is that she sometimes asks you to buy some food after work when you are tired, that can easily be fixed by the two of you planning your grocery list ahead of time and going to the store together to make sure you have everything necessary. Set a rule that, unless it is something vital to purchase right away, she should not ask you to run errands right after work when you're tired. Schedule a time in your week when you run errands for her. You should also be paying her more per month. Compromise between the $400 and the price of an apartment, so, let's say, give her $750 a month. That's a good deal, and you should be grateful for it. If you don't feel like you can afford that (I don't know what other expenses you might have) then compensate by doing more chores around the house (you don't mention if you do any, but just because you work doesn't mean you can't do chores, too). Moving out right now, while doable, is probably not the best choice financially. Your mother sounds like she is not bad to live with at all. If she treats you like a little kid, it might be because you are acting a bit like one by not helping to pay your fair share of the expenses at the house. She might be a little passive-aggressive with her criticism of your belly, so you should talk that out. Perhaps she's directing some frustration over you by saying you're chubby. Sit down with your mom and discuss the following:
You're 29 years old. Time to step up. You don't have to move out (unless you want to), but you do need to show more responsibility and appreciate your mother more for helping you out so much. Whether you stay or go, you need to do the adult thing. Take Care, Papabear
0 Comments
Heya bud.
Just a random question for a suiter... I recently bought a fursuit (I really like the suit), but he is an already established character (I am the third owner), so he has been around cons and has about 480 followers on his own twitter account done since 2018. I am debating whether to remake his character or continue his character from the previous 2. The 2nd owner continued the first owners character. Thing is, there were a lot of changes already: foot paws, hand paws, and tail were replaced. Padding removed, so no longer digitigrade (needed to remove it cause it wont fit otherwise). So, I feel like he is no longer the previous owner's character. I wanted to redo him, but what about his history? And then, can I still call him using the maker's name when 3 things are no longer the original? This is my very first fursuit. Anonymous * * * Dear Furiend, As with most things in the furry fandom, there are no rules, so I am not going to give you lines like "you have to do this" or "you have to do that." That said, here are Papabear's feelings on the matter. The only reason to keep the original fursona's name and rep would be if you are jonesing to keep his followers following you. And the only reason to do THAT is if you are desperate for followers and trying to get a rep as a popular furry. You don't owe the followers of the original fursona anything. As you pointed out, the fursuit has been modified quite a bit, anyway, so it's not really the same character except maybe for the name. My feeling, then, is to make this fursuit yours, make it personal to YOU. Continue to modify the fursuit as you wish to please yourself, and change the name to a name that you like and is personal to you. You bought the fursuit because you wanted a fursuit, not because you wanted the character, right? So, make it your own. Enjoy! Happy Fursuiting! Papabear Hello Papabear,
I have been in the fandom for the longest time since I was 15 years old. One of the thing I really love about the fandom is the golden age of the fandom. I love hearing stories of the past when the furry fandom was a new concept, seeing classic artists and art that shape the fandom for what it is today.. My question is, I really find it hard to find info of the past. Do you know any sites or good links that have a history of furry knowledge and classic art. Lighten * * * Dear Lighten, I sure do! There is a growing number of good online sources for you to check out to learn about the fandom's history. Here are a few of them: For Starters:
After you've digested the above overviews, delve deeper with...
As a bonus, I would also suggest you take a look at the recent memorial video Rod O'Riley created on YouTube that is all about the late-great Father of the Furry Fandom, Mark Merlino. You will learn a LOT about the fandom's origins by watching this at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLfNdhHmh1Y&t=14837s. There are also some excellent books out there for you to read, including:
There are, of course, other sources online and in print, but the above represents your best bet to get the information you want. Happy Researching! Hugs, Papabear Hello, Papabear:
I will graduate with my 2nd A.S. degree this spring. After 8 years total of going to CCollege, I am mentally exhausted. Everyone has been asking me, "Are you going to transfer and get a bachelor's degree?" I wish I could, but tbh I am exhausted. Seven years of school and I leave with insecurities that I am not smart enough for UNI. I mean, 3 more years would be a commitment! I have always had other interests such as in science and foreign languages. I have always wanted to learn about chemistry and learn a third language. How can I learn these two subjects for fun on my own and feel confident about it? I know I'll never be a chemist or science major, plus you don't need to go to university to learn a third language, anyways. Thanks! EmmyLovesFurries (age 26) * * * Dear EmmyLovesFurries, Thanks for your questions. Let's start with the foreign language question. It's wonderful to learn other languages, especially if you have a gift for it. I studied German for seven years, French for two, and Spanish for one, and I can tell you, I don't have much of a talent for it. But, honestly, here's why I struggled: high schools and colleges teach language wrong. Endless vocabulary list memorization and grammar instruction is a mechanical, unhelpful way to learn. You know who teaches languages right? The U.S. military. What they do is throw you into an environment where you are only allowed to speak in the language you are learning. This total immersion in a new language is highly effective. The other way to do it is to move (or travel for an extended time) to a country that speaks the language in which you have an interest. One of my biggest regrets in life was when my German professor urged me to study in Germany for a while to really get comfortable with the language, but I was honestly too afraid to do that by myself and I turned down the opportunity. Now, living where I do (America is one of the most culturally isolated countries in the world because of its geography and poor public education system) my German is terribly rusty. I envy Europeans because they are constantly exposed to languages, and going to a foreign land is like traveling to another state in the U.S.--easier, too, because they have a good train system.... But I digress. If I had the time to beef up my language skills, here is what I would do: go online to a website such as Babbel or Pimsleur (Rosetta Stone is also good, but rather expensive). These programs teach you conversational, colloquial language and use tried-and-true methods such as repetition. Some programs like Babbel even connect you to volunteer native speakers for practice, which is quite wonderful. Another way to approach this is to learn as a child would: that is, pick up some primer reading books in the language you want, read comic books, watch cartoons in that language. (You can watch Sesame Street in Spanish and many other languages!) You are correct that you don't have to go to uni to learn a language and, as noted above, that is probably the worst way to do it unless you're studying a dead language such as Latin or ancient Greek. Let's move on to chemistry and other sciences. I personally have an interest in history, but I didn't enjoy history in high school. In fact, I hated it because it was all about rote memorization of dates and places, kings and queens, famous battles, etc. Snore. No, I am much more interested in cultural history. How people lived centuries ago; how nations developed, thrived, and fell; what their architecture was like; how they dressed and ate and worked and had fun. You know, in school back in the 1970s (not sure about now), when they taught history it was either American history or European and British history. Never learned squat about Asia or Africa or South America, and these places are fascinating! The history of China goes back 6,000 years! And now I'm learning of discoveries in advanced architecture going back 12,000 years to places like Gobekli Tepe, or about the amazing technology that the Romans possessed. The same is true about science. I love learning about physics and astronomy, but also about advances in technology, environmental sciences, and wildlife (I used to be a zoo docent). The point is, if you have an interest in a subject, you don't have to go to school to learn about it. There are all kinds of amateurs out there gobbling up books on various topics and becoming quite the experts. Really, the only reason to go to university is if you want a job in your particular field, in which case your employer will want to see your college diploma. But if you just want to learn, there are nearly countless resources online, ranging from science magazine websites to YouTube videos to virtual lecture halls. Learning is a joy. You should learn all your life. There is so much to learn that you will never come to the end of it. College is for getting a job. So, the question for you is not what you want to learn but what you want to do for employment. Once you figure out what you want to do for a job (it doesn't matter what, as long as you're okay doing it and it gives you enough money to pay the bills), decide what you need to do in order to obtain that job (whether it is school or some kind of apprenticeship or learning how to make YouTube videos for money) and go for it. Then, you can learn as much about sciences and languages on the side as you want. Good Luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I have been thinking about learning quadrobics for a while [Papabear notes: "quadrobics" is the physical activity of running and other performaces while on all fours; it is typically a therian behavior, although some regular furries indulge as well]. I've always been more connected to my animals and fursona than I have been to my human self. I want to learn and be able to do it in school hallways, but I'm not sure how others will respond. Can you help me find a way to express my animalistic side to my peers? Hazel (age 14) * * * Dear Hazel, Unless you want to set yourself up for being mocked and hated, I would urge you to not try to "express" your "animalistic side" to the general public, whether at school or elsewhere, especially in a state like Texas, which is very conservative (this is a state where a student recently got expelled for growing their hair too long even though they kept it tied up and off her face during school, so imagine how they'd react to therian behavior). Such behavior in a school would likely not be tolerated by school officials. So, just don't. DON'T. DO. IT. And, anyway, why would you want to? My first guess would be that, like so many people, you wish to be recognized as different and special, to get attention and, maybe, even adoration for your skills. We all like to feel special and to get attention, but believe me, please, you would only be setting yourself up for attacks and hate from people who don't understand furries or therians. There is a time and a place for everything. School is not a place to act like a furry (or therian or otherkin, for that matter). American schools are where citizens get trained to conform, to be good cogs in the capitalist machinery. The social environment of the hallways, playgrounds, and classrooms of a school (in America, at least, but I'm sure in other countries as well) are a horror show of one-upmanship, cliques, posturing, bullying, teasing, and even physical violence against anyone who is different or seen as weak or weird. What IS the place for wearing fursuit gear or practicing quadrobics? Anywhere you can get together with people who have similar interests is great, but if you can't do that, I would suggest you practice your quadrobics in private places, such as in the woods (if available), at your home, or in other secluded places (as long as you feel safe there). So, stop this notion at once that you somehow need to show your animal side to your peers unless you enjoy getting beaten up, made fun of, or being seen as a social outcast (the kind of person you see eating alone during lunch hour and getting tripped in the hallways). Is that a harsh response by Papabear? I suppose, sadly, it is, but, Hazel, this is the world we live in. This is why people like you and me enter the furry fandom so that we can be among our true peers who will accept and love who we are. Hugs, Papabear A giant of the furry fandom passed away last night at his home in Garden Grove, California. Sy Sable (Mark Merlino) died with his husband, Rod O'Riley, by his side after battling Stage IV liver cancer that also led to his having a stroke. It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of Mark's role in the fandom. Along with another late giant, Fred Patten (1940-2018), he founded the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization in 1977. The C/FO was primarily interested in bringing Japanese anime to America, but it also can be viewed as the precursor of the furry fandom because the Los Angeles chapter of the C/FO was the birthplace of furry. In 1982, he created Tiger's Den, the first BBS dedicated to furry. Next, he cofounded the first furry convention, Confurence, which had its first gathering in 1989 in Costa Mesa, California. When Confurence shut its doors in 2003, Mark started Califur the next year, which ran until 2018. Finally, Mark and Rod created the first and oldest furmeet in the world: The Prancing Skiltaire house party, which was based out of their home. When he wasn't working on conferences, Mark traveled to other conventions, giving talks about furry movies, TV, and the fandom in general. I am so fortunate that I was able to meet Mark on several occasions. It was at the Prancing Skiltaire in 2008 that I encountered my first fursuiter in person, and although I was already a furry by then, I was hooked after that. My dear friend Bart Swaim, took me to that furmeet, and it was also at that time that I met another important furry, Bob Hill (d. 2018), the first fursuiter. Mark was a kind, knowledgeable, generous, and sweet man. His passing is a great loss to the fandom, and he will be missed. [Update March 28, 2024] The memorial service for Sy Sable is now available on YouTube. Dear Papabear:
I'm in school as of typing this so BEAR WITH ME if I don't make any sense, but if I were to make a fursuit head, would I have to wait to be older? I'm currently 15, and I'm not sure if my head would get bigger in size or not. I'm concerned about color schemes as well! I don't know much about color theory, so most of my fursonas stay uncolored in my notebook pages :,) Also, are there any furmeets that you know of near me? Sorry if this is asking a bit too much, but I don't know of many furries near me, especially ones that are trans :( Dove the Kittydog (age 15, Buffalo area, NY) * * * Dear Dove, I ask people who write to me to limit each letter to one question, so keep that in mind if you write again. But here we go with some answers: People's heads continue to grow through puberty and beyond a bit, usually being pretty well formed by the age of 18 to 20. However, bones keep shifting and fusing etc. even up to age 40 or so (also, cartilage such as in the nose and ears will grow pretty much until our deaths). However, these changes are pretty minor when it comes to fitting hats or fursuit heads, and by your age you should be fine. One thing you can do to make sure is to get the head made slightly larger than your head is now, and then you can add a bit of foam or other padding as needed. Here is a quick tutorial on that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSoah9h59Mo. As for colors, go for whatever you like. This isn't art class where you get criticized for not knowing about color theory. What are your favorite colors? Hey, maybe add some metallic color or pastels or neon. Have fun with it! Nobody is going to get on your case if you think neon orange and gold foil look cool together. The fursuit is for you, not other people. Please yourself. Be true to yourself. As for furry groups, I would suggest you join the Buffalo & WNY Furs. They have a Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BuffaloFurs/ I hope that helps! Happy Fursuiting! Papabear Dear Papabear:
My 11-year-old brother has come out to me as a gay furry. I was pretty taken aback, I won’t lie, but I tried to be supportive/encouraging and thanked him for confiding in me. But I’m worried about his safety in the furry community, which I am completely unfamiliar with but concerned about since he is only 11 years old and has put his username as "boy kisser" on some furry website. I am worried about bad people within the community taking advantage of him. He’s at a vulnerable age and has unlimited internet access pretty much 24/7 and my parents don’t see that as an issue. I also don’t want to out him to them in case they make him feel alienated from his hobby and/or his sexuality. It’s not my job to parent him, but how do I talk to him about safety within the furry community? How do I talk to my parents to ensure they take his safety seriously whilst being understanding of his hobby? Kind Regards, Sera (age 21) * * * Dear Sera, You are a good sister. Although, yeah, you're not his mom, older siblings often work as surrogate parents. You are not obligated to be his parent, but you're doing great as an older sibling. Anyway, when it comes to supervision, that's on your parents. And it isn't just about the furry community. Being online in general--furry or not--can be dangerous for kids who are as young as your brother (or older, too, honestly). There are all kinds of criminal, unsavory, bullying, and harmful people out there. Yes, there are definitely some in the furry community (mostly, I believe, these are pedos and other nasties who aren't really furry but they infiltrate the community to prey on vulnerable innocent kids, often luring them with porn). I do recommend you talk to your parents, reminding them that unsupervised access to the internet leaves your brother vulnerable to predators, cyberbullies, and pedos (this is regardless of his being a furry and gay). Your parents are not alone in shirking their responsibilities in this area. As this PR Newswire story explains, about half of all American parents do not supervise their kids. That is a big mistake. Would your parents let your 11-year-old brother walk down a dark alley in a city with porn shops and adult video arcades? I doubt they would. The internet is the same thing. Make a wrong turn and you're in a dark place where you are in danger even though you're sitting at a desk, warm and comfy in your own home (see https://www.familyorbit.com/blog/the-risks-of-unsupervised-internet-access-for-kids-and-teens/). Some resources you can recommend for them include:
In summation, the important issue here is keeping your brother safe. I know you're worried about outing him as gay or a furry, but that is really secondary. Honestly, at 11 years old, your brother is still exploring who he is, so we shouldn't draw any conclusions about that. It is important that parents perform a balancing act between keeping their kids safe yet allowing them to grow as people and not restricting them so much that they feel like they are being punished or that their mom and dad don't like them. It's hard! Being a parent is hard! But they need to try their best. Finally, here is an editorial I wrote about the whole issue: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/my-final-word-on-minors-in-the-fandom. Thank you for being a caring sister. Write again if you need to, and I promise I will respond more quickly now that I have recovered from the holidays. Bear Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear:
Why is "cis" considered negative/would upset people? I've noticed that within some interactions between some people, the term "cis" is considered negative and that it would piss people off. I do not fully understand why, and I also find it a bit contradictory since the furry community is considered to be accepting. I do know that my definition of "accepting" may not align with everyone else's, as my definition is "regardless of background, creed, ethnicity, gender, and any other defining factors of a person, they are to be treated with respect and understood as another human being." Again, my definition may not align with others', and I wish to understand why "cis" is considered a negative thing and may upset people. Aryu (age 18) * * * Hi, Aryu, That is an excellent and highly germane question to ask in these tumultuous social order times, so thank you for your letter. Before I answer the question, a little background for readers because sometimes people think they know what a term means but they might get it a little — or a lot — wrong. The term "cisgender" was coined in 1994 by Dana Defosse, who at the time was a graduate student researching trans adolescent health and wrote a post using the term on the alt.transgender discussion board (Defosse currently works at a library developing health literacy programs). She came up with the term to fill a need for a word describing people who were not trans, so she borrowed terminology used in chemistry in which atoms positioned on the same side of a molecule are designated cis versus those on opposite sides of a molecule, which are designated trans (i.e., cis-trans isomerism). It was as simple as that. Defosse was just trying to find one word to conveniently distinguish non-trans people from trans people in a way that was not awkward for readers. As trans rights have come more and more to the forefront of public debate, the term cisgender has come under fire from both straight people and LGB people. The main objection is that they do not wish to be part of the trans nomenclature that includes such terms as well as the plethora of pronouns. It is, in essence, the fear of semantic infiltration. That is, the fear that those outside your demographic are forcing you to define yourself by their terms. The technique of semantic infiltration has been used historically in politics, such as the Russians inserting terms into debates with the West during the Cold War and then changing the usage of certain terms in order to present a more favorable opinion of their political views. The fear in the LGB and straight communities (not all people in these groups, but some) is that trans people are using words (and defining non-trans people with them) across the LGBTQIA spectrum to forcefully fit everyone into their paradigm so that trans people are not seen as "other." Also there is resentment that "normal" straight people or "normal" gay people do not need a new word to define them because they have been using "straight" or "gay" or "lesbian" for decades. The use of cisgender has hence become embroiled in the literal battle of words in our society. Defosse finally spoke out about this in a Huff Post article dated February 18, 2023, in which she wrote: "Although I’ve not yet experienced personal attacks for being associated with its creation, it is painful when people imply it was intended to hurt others. I never believed that adding the word to the lexicon caused problems ― it only revealed them." In other words, it's not the term that's the problem; the word just reveals the underlying social unrest more poignantly. Defosse continued: "It saddens me to hear that people feel harmed by the word cisgender. Is the creation of the word to blame? No. Cisgender is just a straw man. It is easier to attack a word than to address the reasons people feel intimidated by discussions of gender identity." I hope that answers your question. I recommend reading the entire Defosse letter for her full response. Bear Hugs Papabear (a cis gay bear) Dear Papabear,
Can I fursuit at theme parks? I'm thinking Busch Gardens. Tomax (age 13) * * * Hi, Tomax, Theme parks such as Disneyland and Busch Gardens do not allow people to wear costumes "for the safety of our guests." What this means is that there is a concern that people who show up at parks with their faces disguised behind masks could pose a danger to the public. For the same reason, you are not going to be allowed into a bank or a government building wearing a mask. Also, many parks (public and private) will not allow fursuits or other identity-concealing headwear. (In case you're wondering about Disney costumed characters, all of them are employed by Disneyland, so there is no concern there.) Before you plan to go to any public or private venue, always check with the organizers of the event to see what the dress code is. There are some exceptions to the above rule. For example, from what I've seen, a number of Renaissance Faires are fine with fursuits. So, if you have a Ren Faire near you this year, you might want to check that out, but Busch Gardens is a definite no-no. Thanks for your question! Papabear |
Categories
All
A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
|