Hey Papa,
Back again, I just recently lost my Grandmother, who I had been living with since mid 2011. Since her passing, I have found it awkward to stay in the home for long lengths of time. I now spend more time with my boyfriend than I do at home. I can't move in with him because his place is small and I would have to sacrifice too many of my personal belongings. I've been looking into apartments in the area and have found a nice one with no bad reviews. It seems perfect; it's within our price range, and I would even get a 5% rent discount every month because my employer is on their preferred list. The problem is, when I brought it up to my boyfriend, he said he "tried them and it didn't seem like a good deal." Referring to when he moved into the area. Papa, the apartment is $545 a month without the 5% discount... he currently pays over $700 a month for his place. I'm not sure what to do. We've been dating for 8 months. Is there a way to change his opinion or is it a lost cause? Ingavar * * * Hi, Ingavar, and welcome back :-3 My sympathies on the loss of your grandmother. As for moving arrangements, a couple of options: 1) you could move in with your boyfriend and put your excess belongings in storage until a later time (I’m assuming the two of you would split the rent and utilities?), 2) if you can afford it, you can move into your own apartment by yourself and continue to date your boyfriends; then later talk about other arrangements, or 3) you could stay at your grandmother’s place. You’ve only been dating this guy for eight months. Moving in together at this point is a bit premature, anyway. What if you did move in with him, or he moved in with you, and then you broke up for some reason? Living together is a real test of any relationship, and is often the cause of young couples breaking up before they have a chance to really get to know each other. If that happened, you would find yourself looking for a place of your own anyway. I’m not sure why staying in your grandmother’s home is so impossible. Is it unaffordable for you now that she is gone? That I can understand. Is it just the “creepiness” factor? If so, give it time and I’m sure you can get comfortable, again, especially if you redecorate and make the place your own. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand the math involved with the two apartments, it could be he simply doesn’t wish to move, which demonstrates a certain resistance toward accommodating his life to better suit yours. In other words, he would rather inconvenience you and also pay more money than move into a suitable, cheaper place for the two of you. I don’t know about you, but that sets off a signal flare of warning in this bear’s mind right away. Before making any decisions, you need to have a long chat with your boyfriend and see where he is in the relationship. Could it be you might be assuming he is okay with the two of you living together? Perhaps you are being presumptuous and he is not ready for it and is feeling pressured. Therefore, if financially feasible, Papabear recommends your looking for living arrangements elsewhere until you and your boyfriend have a more solid and committed relationship. Let me know how it works out. Hugs, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
I have a question regarding my husband. I have been active in the furry fandom since I was a teenager. In truth I sought it out because the idea of creating characters and seeing them come to life interested me. I've always loved animals and so when I found anthros something just clicked. I like to draw them and create new species or cross breeds all the time. I have a strange love for the art aspect behind it. However, my husband is unsupportive. Every time he finds me drawing one he loudly exclaims "Eew gross." Or sighs deeply and leaves the room. I've tried talking about it to him, because this is just part of who I am. I have a tattoo of a wolf girl on my ribs. It's not like I ever tried hiding this aspect from him. However, whenever I bring up the subject and ask for just a little artistic support it turns into an argument. Usually this leaves me feeling hurt. I can't get any kind of feedback from him that isn't negative. How do I approach the subject in a manner that let's him know that all I want is a little positive reinforcement for my art? I already feel like I'm not good enough as it is. I question whether or not I should even be going to art school for this. I just need a little push that says I can do it. That says I have potential. I don't want someone to lie to me, but I want someone to be there when I need the feedback. Someone to tell me... “I think you should shorten the arms on that one or I think the eyes should be a little bigger or even the shading isn't quite right it should be darker here.” I have tried everything thus far. I have tried asking him not to look at the content and to just look at the art, but he still seems to get agitated. Part of me knows it's because of an experience that he witnessed with another furry. I feel like he judges me based on her extreme case. She did some not very moral things and I feel like he associates all furries with that kind of thing simply because he met a bad egg. I know he knows I'm not a bad egg, otherwise he wouldn't have married me. It's just sometimes I find he can be difficult and I feel a little hopeless. Can you help? Luci * * * Hi, Luci, My first reaction is to say shame on your husband. A central part of being a good spouse is to be supportive of the one you supposedly love. You have shown him that your art is not about anything immoral; you have talked to him (so, it’s not like this is a communication problem on your part), and I’m sure he realizes by now you are hurting because of his lack of support. I’m sure, too, that you have shown him that there is a lot of furry art out there that is decent and G-rated. Because I do not know your husband or his background, it is hard to say what is happening here, but I can suggest some possibilities: 1) He thinks he’s being funny, when he actually isn’t. Does he ever make inappropriate comments about things other than furry art? His insensitivity could be a character flaw on his part. 2) How would you describe your relationship in other ways besides the argument about your art? Is he generally unsupportive? Does he dismiss other things you do in life? Is he one of those people who thinks he is right about everything? Could just be that your husband is an ass, plain and simple. 3) He might just be stupid, and, even after you have explained repeatedly what your art is about, he doesn’t get it and draws conclusions based on the one bad experience you said he witnessed. Might sound harsh on my part, but it’s another possibility. Sadly, you can’t fix stupid. 4) It could be that he is actually attracted to furry porn, and this makes him extremely uncomfortable and so he lashes out at it, even in it’s more benign forms, in order to distance himself from what he feels is a socially unacceptable attraction. You see this phenomenon in other situations in life, such as cases of politicians or coaches or the clergy saying they hate gay people or pedophiles, only to later be discovered with their hand under the bathroom stall or “teaching a child proper hygiene in the shower.” Being a furry and a furry artist is part of who you are, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. If your husband rejects something in you that is at the very core of your being, then I would suggest you seek some marriage counseling from a professional. It makes Papabear wonder why he married you if he is so offended by what you do, and also why you agreed to marry him when you knew you were a furry and that he didn’t like furry art, unless that came after the marriage? The two of you have a serious couples problem that will take much more advice than Papabear can offer in an online column. You should not have to give up who you are for the sake of your marriage, and you will not be comfortable in your marriage until your husband accepts you for you. Please do some research on marriage counselors in your area and try to meet with them with your husband in tow. Here’s a link that can help you get started: http://www.goodtherapy.org/marriage-counseling.html. In the meantime, if your husband is falling down on the job you can seek out the support of your furry community. There are a lot of art sites out there where people talk about their art and offer some feedback, like http://furry4life.org/group/artisticfurs and https://www.facebook.com/groups/2210952911. Good luck! Papabear Hey, Papabear, new reader here, and I had a question regarding relationships.
I'm at a crossroads in terms of my sexuality, and have been for a few years since my first semester of college. I find it hard to identify myself as bisexual since I try to date girls, but at the same time having experience what it's like to make love to a man, and striking out seven times with girlfriends has resulted in me becoming lonely, and making me wonder. What makes things more difficult is the fact that, while I do have a male friend I might be happy with, and who I care a lot for, the fact stands; my life revolves around me appearing to be straight. My boss hates homosexuals and the career path I'm taking doesn't take kindly to that either, I don't know how my entire family would react, especially my super-Christian Nanna and—being a part of another fandom entirely—I don't know how many people would feel suddenly uncomfortable around me. I want your advice as to what I should do. Should I continue to try and pursue women and possibly remain lonely, go after the man I have in mind, or something else? Bifurcated Gryphon * * * Dear Gryphon, One reason that the conservative argument that people “choose to be gay” is so ludicrous is demonstrated by what you are going through right now. Coming out gay and trying to be accepted by family, friends, and society is, to put it bluntly, a bitch. You will be constantly faced with prejudice, hatred, and ignorant fears. Why would anyone choose that if they didn’t have to? The alternative, though, for gay people is to stay in the closet, never being who they truly are, and when you can’t be who you truly are you will discover a misery far more profound than facing the judgment of the ignorant, close-minded people around you: you will be rejecting yourself. No one on the planet is harder on us than ourselves. I can certainly attest to that. Because other people reject us, we conclude, “There must be something wrong with me.” We begin to hate ourselves, feeling we don’t deserve happiness because we are immoral or “broken” somehow. Once you go down that path you set yourself up for depression and possibly worse. Many gay people (even moreso in the past in America before we started to gain at least a little acceptance, but still true today) ended their own lives. Judging by your letter, you are just fooling yourself trying to convince yourself you are bi and could manage to date and marry a woman. I suspect that this is why you have had no luck dating girls. Believe it or not, people have a kind of sixth sense and they can often detect whether you are being sincere or not. You cannot effectively pretend an attraction for the opposite sex if, deep down inside, you don’t feel it. Of course, even if you were bi, bisexual people are not accepted by society either, by and large, so that would still leave you with the same difficulties. You could maybe marry a woman, but you would still want to have a man, at least part of the time, which would likely put a strain on any marriage you had, unless you also married a bisexual woman! I could speculate on different scenarios for quite some time and get really creative, but let’s stop there. The essence of your question is this: Should I try and live a lie so that I can get along with my family and coworkers, or should I be my true self and then adjust my life to fit who I am rather than the other way around? I think you know the answer without Papabear telling you. I wish you luck and love, Papabear Hello, Papabear!
I'm kind of in a bad situation. For one, I am moving to the city for my sophomore year in high school. I just got used to my school life in my town I am currently living in. I’ve been bullied ever since first grade for such a small thing that I really can't remember so well. All the bullying has finally stopped (and thank lord.) But I'm really nervous. I really want to make new friends with similar things in common. I'll give you a short list of things I really like: anime, furries, art, music, pets (mostly felines and certain canines) and cosplaying. I currently don't own a fursuit, just a fox eared hat I ordered from Etsy. I kind of wonder if I'll be able to talk to anyone. I'm very socially awkward and keep to myself; there is no way I could just go up to anyone without feeling like, "Oh no what if they are thinking bad about me!" I'm not in any sport and I used to be in band but I'm very unskilled with my flute so I hope to work with it on my own... My parents sometimes wish I could do something, anything, other than draw and write. Now my grades: I didn't have a good teacher-student relationship with any of my teachers, which I guess they just got bad vibes from me even though I'd listen and do all the work I could. The counselor said he really didn't have hope in the ninth grade with the passing scores. Sure enough the state tests proved a lot. I was one of the few that passed all state exams, which really shocked a few of my teachers. But trust me, I never was a high scoring student; in fact nobody really gave me that extra push to help me succeed. So what I'm really asking is I want to leave my past behind me and start off as a new Husky, to help with my confidence. I better go feed my cat Roxy she's on my lap meowing as I type this! Echo * * * Dear Echo, Papabear cannot change who you are, nor can I tell from your letter if your social anxieties might be caused by an issue such as Aspergers syndrome. However, I do have an idea that might help you. There are many traditions throughout many cultures of rebirth and/or renaming ceremonies. These are performed on people who are making a new start in their lives. Familiar ones would include people changing their legal names when they get married, the baptismal ceremony of either being submersed in water or having water sprinkled on you to emulate John the Baptist’s ceremony of rebirth and acceptance of Christ, and the similar Catholic christening of an infant child. Other examples include non-Muslims dedicating themselves to Islam and giving themselves a new name (e.g. Casius Clay becoming Muhammad Ali). In Wicca, people who are undergoing initiation (or dedication) receive a new Craft Name, which is only used when among other Wiccans. Native American tribes have a tradition of naming ceremonies when a youth is old enough to understand the significance of the new name; an outsider who manages to be accepted by a native tribe might also undergo such a ceremony, though that is pretty rare. Naming ceremonies are most typically done with newborns or the very young, but, as you see above, there are also traditions of rededicating oneself to a faith or belief through a renaming. Another example comes from African traditions in which families will give youths or even adults with European-based names may assume new African names in order to rededicate themselves to the traditions and cultures of that continent. Papabear is not suggesting you join a faith unfamiliar to you simply to change your name, but the above examples serve as a model of what you might do for yourself to give yourself a rebirth of sorts. As a furry, you know that many furries give themselves fursona names, such as my name being Grubbs Grizzly. Psychologically, changing one’s name can have a profound effect on one’s outlook and, subsequently, even one’s behavior. Similarly, and related to this, is a rebirthing ceremony (which baptism is, of course) that renews one’s spirit. In mythology there is an animal known as the phoenix that grows old, dies in a burst of fire, and then arises, rejuvenated, from the ashes. Without self-immolating (LOL), you might try a phoenix ceremony of your own in which you find a quiet place to yourself, dedicate yourself to a new you (the you that you wish to become) and give yourself a new name. Make it a strong, assertive name. This becomes your secret name, a name of power known only to you (if you tell others they can have power over you, so do not do so lightly or casually), and gives you your new identity. This might seem a bit unorthodox, but it could work for you in your case. Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
You once wrote that you liked getting questions about you, so here's one I've been wondering about for a while. What motivated you to start this column and this website? Peace and bright blessings, Stilghar * * * Hi, Stilghar, Oh, gosh, that sounds egotistical of me, doesn't it? I think I meant that I liked getting different kinds of questions, hee hee. So, what motivates me? As I got more and more involved in the fandom, I found that many furries are quite troubled for one reason or another, and furs I met online kept asking me for advice because I'm a greymuzzle, I suppose, and have been around the block a few times. This happened so often that I thought an advice column would be worthwhile. So, I contacted the FurryNewsNetwork and asked if they would be interested in a furry advice column. The editor was very kind and accepted the suggestion. For a couple months, my column started there, and, actually, you can still contact me through the FNN at http://www.furrynewsnetwork.com/interact/papabear/. I started getting so many letters that the weekly (or biweekly, I forget which) column couldn't keep up. I was having a backlog! Therefore, I started my own Website and told FNN they could reprint any articles they liked on their site. Of course, I do this for the huge amount of money it makes me, which allows me to live a life of luxury here in southern California. NOT! My advice, as you all know, is free, and I even encourage people to reprint my articles or share them, if they like. I haven't made a dime and, in fact, have spent hundreds of dollars in advertising and web hosting fees. So, it is not for the money that I do this. Why DO I do it? Because I believe that I am a member of the furry community, and I believe that this is my extended family and I should do my part to help others as some of my furiends have helped me. I strongly feel that the world is a better place when people help each other rather than pursue only their own selfish goals. This is also the philosophy behind the upcoming American Furry Association, which I hope will be up and running by next year. Hope that answers your question, Stilghar! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I discovered your site through FA's ads and decided to pose a question. Since I was little, I’ve always been attracted to older furry characters (Quetzal from Dragon Tales #1, Spike from Tom and Jerry being my #2.). My massive love for Quetzal actually is strong enough to make my current mate jealous. Recently, that strength has led me to become attracted to older men whether it is muscle guys or big burly dudes with some belly on them. Prior to this, I wasn't attracted to humans at all, and that made things very difficult when it came to seeking out a mate. I am very spiritual and have always known things that didn't have to be told to me. I have a sixth sense and knew the time was not right to come out about any of this to family. My family is very diverse but there is a sense of strong Christian views and when I came out to my mom last year, she made herself forget. It hasn't been brought up since and I don't plan to. I am preparing to move out next year, right now I'm saving for a new Mustang and getting my financial life sorted out. I feel like I want to ask an older guy out, despite the fact that I'm with my mate and it is very difficult to tell him as I don't want to hurt him, I don't know if he is compatible with many others as he is autistic. However, I have felt a growing distance from him. What advice do you have that could help? Namely, I am attracted to guys 40+ now. Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, Oftentimes, an attraction for an older, wiser man in your life is the result of the loss of a father figure in your real life, either through death, divorce, or perhaps you have a father but he is very distant and the two of you don’t connect. The Quetzal character from Dragon Tales is an elderly character who knows a lot about history and is a teacher, a guide to the other characters. To me, that says you are not looking for a replacement for a mate so much as you are seeking a teacher and father in your life, perhaps someone who can help you learn more about that sixth sense of yours. Another thing that is happening here is that you are very much getting ready for adulthood, getting your financial situation in a place where you can live the adult life, have a car, get a job, live on your own and so on. I’m only guessing, but it sounds like your autistic current mate might not be ready for that and you feel he is holding you back. You want a, shall we say, “real man” in your life who can be as mature—or even more mature—than you to share your new life with. This is all quite logical to Papabear, and while your current mate may have been right for you at an earlier time in your life, he might not be now. If that is true, then you really are not doing him any favors by staying with him as a mate, though do not discount the possibility of remaining dear friends and still being there for him in that capacity. Keeping this in mind, you should be somewhat cautious about partnering with an older man. You are 26 and if you find a mate who is 40 or more years old there is a very real generation gap that might make it hard to relate at times. That said, it is certainly not impossible for two people who love each other to have 10, 15, or more years difference in age. It depends a lot on you, your partner, and what you want. I’m just telling you this to make sure you are aware of the potential issues it might cause. That was a bit of a rambling answer from Papabear, but I hope it makes sense and was helpful to you. Good luck in your upcoming life adventures! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I'm new here so I'll try my best. I've been going through some rough times in my life, and even though I have a master who cares for me immensely, I can't help but feel that longing for a mate. Do I need a mate to be happy? With thanks, ~ Lyx * * * Dear Lyx, Many people are happy without mates, many people are sad with mates, many are happy with mates. My belief is that in order to be truly happy with your life, you must first be happy with yourself. If you are unhappy and believe that finding a mate will make you happy, you are wrong. Other people cannot make you happy; only you can do that for yourself. (That's something my ex taught me, actually.) Bad reasons to look for a mate: you want children, you don’t want to be alone, you want financial stability (aka wanting a sugar daddy), you want someone to take care of you, you are old and are worried about dying alone, you are young and all your friends have mates and you feel left out. Good reasons to have a mate: you want someone to share your life with, someone came into your life you care about. Lyx, you are 16 years old and shouldn’t worry about having a mate (unless by mate you simply mean girl/boyfriend and not a serious, committed relationship for the rest of your life). Dating? Sure, fine, have fun dating, but let’s not get too serious too quickly. Why would you want to commit to someone at such a young age when you probably are still figuring out who you are and what you wish to be? The teen years are a time for discovering yourself, and you’ll probably find that in nearly all cases the mates your friends currently have will not be the same ones they have in a few years (or less). Having a boy- or girlfriend to simply share good times with is great and can indeed make things more fun and enjoyable for you because you have someone to do things with, like going to the movies or an amusement park or playing games or going to a furcon. So I suppose, to paraphrase Bill Clinton, it depends on what your definition of mate is. Just someone to pal around with and share your teen years? Great! Talking total lifetime commitment, future engagement, marriage, kids, mortgage, retirement plans? You’re too young to worry about it and you don’t need that burden at 16 years of age. Enjoy your teen years and don’t rush into adulthood. You’ll get there before you know it. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear, What is the point in life? I know a few of the typical responses. Because there are things in life that can bring you joy and happiness. However, the emotional manipulation I mentioned in my other letter led me to suppress my emotions from a young age. What better way to make it easier to change my myself to fit the situation? And I have yet to figure out how to turn them on or if they are on I have no way of knowing if they are real or not. So that idea is out. Then there is the idea of "if you died your family would be sad," but given my relationship with them or lack there of I can honestly say I wouldn't give a shit, pardon my language, what happens with them. Then the final one is similar to the one above but replace family with friends. Except given my issues and lack of real social skills, I have great people skills, but not social skills, I don't build lasting or close friendships. I base this off of my track record with "friends." So even now I have plenty of acquaintances, but probably only one friend who is still just a step above an acquaintance most likely. And acquaintances come and go, so I don't really consider this argument either. Though having said all this I should probably point out that I'm not suicidal. Mostly because I'm incapable of taking my own life. Because without emotion all I'm left with is logic and instincts, so I have a strong survival instinct. Or put another way, I'm too much of a coward to take my own life (I've heard the cliché that it is cowardly to commit suicide and the brave keep on living, but hard to feel that way when the only reason for not choosing death is out of fear). So at this point I'm merely going through the motions day in and day out waiting for death. And as mentioned in my other letter, tried therapy twice with two different people and neither one helped at all. Sorry for the downer of a letter. Sincerely, Thief * * * [Note to readers: here is the previous letter from Thief: http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2013/06/he-needs-to-rediscover-who-he-really-is.html] Hello, again, Thief, Humanity has pondered this Ultimate Question since our dimly self-aware ancestors first gazed up at the moon and stars. Greek philosophers have pontificated upon it, religious leaders have declared unbelievers in their dogma to be heretics, modern science has defined it in stark, unfeeling terms of “survival of the fittest” and “passing on one’s genes.” I cannot tell you what to believe, but I can tell you what my own conclusions are. I believe that no one knows, not even God. Or, at least, not the God of this current universe we are in. Because life and evolution is not simply about subatomic particles, DNA, and the betterment of society. It is about the evolution of the Grand Consciousness of which we are all a small part. We, you and I and everyone and everything around us, is a part of God, the Great Spirit, and the Being That Is One experiences and lives through our hearts, our minds, and our vision. We all contribute to the spiritual growth that is the evolution of God and of God’s slow Awakening into Self-Realized Consciousness. Another way to put it, is that we are in a present state of the evolution of God in which God is deciding whether or not existence is real and has purpose (it has long been my belief that if scientists keep peeling apart subatomic particles, eventually they will discover that matter only exists in our minds). The next phase of the evolution comes when the conclusion is “Yes, life is real and I Am real.” But that cannot happen without you and every one of us contributing to that conclusion. You, Thief, have the Touch of God within you that grants you the ability (based upon Free Will) to choose your purpose, to believe that life has meaning, because you, as a part of God, are empowered with a small piece of the Creative Gift that made all things. The purpose of life is the purpose you give it. Only you can give your life meaning, and by self-generating that meaning you give God more Life, and you give all of us a greater hope. The Meaning of Life is not something you seek and find, nor does it emanate from the mouths of those who wish the throngs to follow them. It is something you create. Papabear P.S. If that was a little too heavy for some readers, watch this for a little relief: Hello from England!
I'm having that stereotypical teenager sexuality mess-up thing and it seems that, for whatever reason, my cock and my brain have different sexualities. Let me explain from the beginning. During my teenage years [he is 15 now], I've experimented (as far as what turns me on) with pretty much everything. I've tried cross-dressing, playing around with a dildo, both orally and anally, and I've had, to an extent, a jolly good time. However, it seems there has been a bit of a biological misunderstanding as far as what my brain wants and what my cock wants. Here is a breakdown. If I look at heterosexual pornography, I don't take that much of a mental interest; however, I do end up getting rather aroused, without logically thinking, "Wow, she's fit!" or whatever generic thing somebody might think. If I look at gay pornography or just guy's in general, I wind up thinking "Mmm...that’s hot" (yet another generic thing. These aren't literally what goes through my head, there just examples) and I do get aroused; however, normally it’s not as fast as with girls but it certainly does occur and I do notice it a good deal more. Although I do know a few exceptions when I've gotten aroused before the thought had a chance to get through. It’s not like I force my cock to like gay porn or anything, it seems pretty keen, but not as keen as for girls. Another example is if I was in a "gentleman’s entertainment outlet"....or a strip club, to you and I, and there was the sexiest man in the world and sexiest girl in the world, I'd pick the man. I have had clues outside pornography that lead me to believe I may be gay, some are more credible than others. I'll start with the weirdest first. When I was younger, about 12-ish I was became very much interested by tribes from other parts of the world, although I kept this secret from my parents or some reason. I really quite liked how they made clothes from very basic things and that, now I look back on it, those outfits were rather revealing. Although, I also fond there culture interesting so that may not be the whole story. Very recently I found myself getting into the whole 80's metal thing, particularly the band Judas Priest (you may have heard of them). Their lead singer, Rob Halford was rather flamboyantly gay around the mid 80's, with these rather sexy BDSM outfits he wore on stage. I also respected him a lot for his ability to be himself in the very macho world of heavy metal at the time, which I find myself unable to be, even in a simpler situation. And finally there was one time at sports day, when I couldn't stop staring at my best friend's thighs for the whole time. Which my other friend somehow didn't notice. (My circle of friends is a big issue for another day, methinks.) Anyway, back on topic. Do you think I somehow have different sexual preferences for different parts of my person or is it that I haven’t matured in that sense yet? If you need more information, do let me know, I tried to keep it as much to the point as I could but my sexuality is in such a jumble its difficult. Thanks for the help, good sir! Fred E Coyote * * * Dear Fred, To summarize, your mental interest for women is lower than that for men, but the arousal for women is higher than that for men, although you do have an interest and arousal for both of various degrees, if I understand you. Let’s examine the possibilities. First of all, if you are pondering whether or not you are gay, stop pondering: you’re likely bisexual, leaning toward men, but if you keep reading there is another possibility. As for sexual maturity, at 15 you’re at an age where your body pretty much knows what it wants, so no need to wait and gestate any more. Physiologically speaking, you’re sexually mature; your brain just needs to catch up. The difficulty with your letter is you speak too generically about what turns you on or not: men vs. women. There is a lot more to visual stimulation than mere gender. There are probably certain physical traits that are particularly arousing to you. For instance, you might like nice round buttocks, which are more common in women than in men, or shapely thighs (as you noted your attraction to that one guy’s thighs), also something women usually excel at. You might like full lips but not be particularly interested in breasts, and so on.... One thing you could try, then, is creating in your mind (or drawing it, if you are capable) your ideal physically attractive person. Mix and match what are seen as either feminine or masculine qualities and see what you come up with. This will help you figure out what physical “signals” stimulate you the most. Another thing to consider is your preferred role as a sexual partner. Do you prefer to be on the “receiving end,” shall we say? Or do you like to be on top? Or both? Judging by your letter, one interpretation might be that you would like to be a bottom for a dominant male. I say this because when one watches porn, one often transfers his or (rarely) her emotions/identity into the scene. That is to say, you see yourself in the scene, as in, “Damn, I wish I was THAT guy making out with that hunk of a man!” So, the reason you get interested in straight porn might be that you are transferring yourself into the woman’s position, thinking of yourself as a woman on the receiving end of a heterosexual man. If you strongly identify with your feminine side, you might find it easier, then, to transfer yourself into the role of the woman in front of the camera than into that of a man. This is why you are more quickly aroused by the woman, because you see yourself in the woman's position, making the fantasy of what you're seeing real inside your head--and sex is 90% in your head. Just a theory, of course. As for primitive tribal groups and their simple clothes, that fascination dates back to kids in the early half of the 20th century looking at National Geographic magazines to see the people with bared breasts and buttocks. Nothing strange about that, gay or straight. And as for liking Rob Halford (yes, Papabear is familiar with Judas Priest :-P ), that seems a pretty clear indication of your attraction for gay men, and your admiration for his being the first openly gay heavy metal rocker bespeaks of your own likely longing to be open about being gay, too. You’re young, Fred, and you have plenty of time to figure this all out. Don’t push yourself. Continue to explore and experiment (safely, please) and you will eventually sort it all out. Papabear believes that will happen when you first fall in love. Boy or girl? Who cares? It’s the love that matters. Good luck! Papabear Hello Papabear!
I've asked for your advice before, but this time it's not for relationships or anything. This time it's a tiny bit more complicated. I'm completely torn. I want to continue going to college, but I recently discovered that I had lost one of my scholarships (my GPA dropped to 2.6 and I had to have at least a 3.0 to keep it). I have also found that I cannot afford an apartment for the next semester and the only jobs I'm sure I can get are minimum wage; which obviously will not pay for an apartment. On top of that, I have no career in mind. I've been trying to get a Psychology degree, but that won't do much for me if I don't want a career. My mate told me that it might be best to just drop, as he was worried about how stressed I was during my first year (he will be dropping college, as he found it's just faster to learn things on the Internet at his own pace). I'm also weary of what my mother would think if I dropped this apparent dead-end road. I just can't decide if I want to learn the way my mate does or continue my college experience. Michelle Woofwoof * * * Dear Woofwoof, Welcome back to Papabear’s column :-3 The Internet is a cool way to learn many things, but if you ever hope to get a job as a psychologist you are going to need a college degree, preferably an advanced degree. No one is ever going to hire a “psychologist” who learned his/her craft by browsing the Web. Ain’t gonna happen (your mate should take note, too). So, unless you want to abandon that dream, you need to study at an accredited institution. Now, there are several things you can do to get back on track, one of which is to get that GPA back up where it belongs. Another is to not get an apartment, or to share an apartment with several other people. Having your own digs is a luxury that most college students cannot afford, and you should not expect it as a given. Another option is to attend a college or university near your parents’ home and live with them while you finish school. Still another option: go to school part time. Instead of carrying 15 or 18 credits per term, take 2 or 3 courses tops while you work the rest of the time. See if your college, too, offers online courses to make this easier and possibly less expensive. Also, if you are an underclassman, consider taking your first two years at a community college, which is cheaper, and find one that has an agreement with your university to easily transfer credits toward a bachelor’s. Now, if you don’t really wish to be a psychologist or pursue a career that requires a 4-year degree, there is no shame in that. Americans are always telling their children that they have to go to college when, in truth, college is not for everyone. There is actually a high demand in this country for tradesmen who have a two year degree in industry-related fields like CAD/CAM operators and dental hygienists (for some reason, dental hygienists are in very high demand right now, but don’t go to some fly-by-night place to study. If that career appeals to you, talk to your dentist and ask him or her where the best place to get certified is.) Here is a helpful article about things you can accomplish with a two-year degree: http://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/nerdscholar/2012/top-jobs-associates-degree/. Many of these jobs pay very well, too. Finally, there is no shame at all in pursuing a career such as master plumber, electrician, contractor, mechanic, or beautician. I, for one, admire and highly value a person who can do such things with skill, and one thing you can count on: these jobs are NEVER outsourced overseas because it’s not like you can ship your house or car (or face or hair) overseas to have someone in China fix it and send it back, eh? I hope this gives you some ideas and inspires you to look into fields that may be more suitable to you and bring you financial stability and personal satisfaction. Good Luck, Papabear |
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