So....I'm cornered at all ends....I have no friends that are not already friends with my mate. My mate is my best friend... She is the single most important person in my life...but...I am scared. I do not know what to do... The relationship started out wonderfully.... She would hold me beautiful. We would share I love you's and she would compliment me and was sweet as could be. She found me to be "cute and beautiful," she would say.
But...it has been a while now. Tables have turned. To start out, we had a perfectly equal relationship. But slowly my compliments have been outweighing hers... The response to my “I love you, my dear” is now reduced to a simple “you too.” Also ... those days of me being cute and beautiful are gone. I'm always holding her... I have to kiss up to her to even get her to let me hold her. Asking to be held is a no no. She just gets annoyed when I do. I have to beg her for kisses. I have to plead for affection... I put all of my effort into making her smile and be happy. I guess you could say that I am a romantic suck up...and she just takes and takes it... No return or acknowledgement that it had even been done for her. With sex... it started out we were both each other’s first ... and from then on our sexual relationship was even. But now ... I work my ass off to please her... I do oral because that is all I can do to get her off. She never returns the favor. Not even a rub. She just goes to sleep after... Last night I saw her on her phone the entire time I was down there.... I feel so ... embarrassed.... She has told me it’s amazing and she cums .... but. I am not sure if I am boring her. Perhaps the scariest part of this all is that I am totally and utterly whipped. She has gotten me to stop liking a lot of things ... and to start liking others. Also .... since the change in roles of the relationship .... she... or I ... have convinced myself to get a sex change ... to be a guy.... I feel like the only thing she wants from me now is a boyfriend that worships her and will fuck her... I feel useless. She wants a man... and I love her so... if I have any hope of making her happy I must become a man. I feel like I'm trapped even more because the slight bringing up of we need to talk makes her roll her eyes... She gets insanely angry when I ask to talk about us. Its a no no, too....but I love her so much.... I was going to commit suicide before I met her. I was happy at first...but now the thoughts come back.... I know she loves me... but I do not know what I am doing wrong.... can you help me? Lunar * * * My Dear Lunar, You are doing nothing wrong, except apologizing for your mate’s actions by trying to appease her. Your mate has pulled a nasty switcheroo on you that is completely unfair to you. I don’t know if it is because she has become bored with her relationship with you, or perhaps she is discovering that she is bi, or her tastes are simply changing, or she has fallen out of love with you, but whatever the reason might be, you are now clinging to a love that once was and not to the current reality of your relationship. I understand that she helped you get out of a very dark place and you are grateful for that. But she is different now. And you can’t fix it because she won’t even talk to you about it without getting angry. I mean, to talk on the phone while you are making love??? What is that? To not return your affections, to make you feel like a slave? But, worst of all, to want you to change your gender for her??? That is as extreme a request as they come! Please promise me one thing right now, Lunar. DO NOT go through surgery of any kind just to please your lover. That is something for YOU to decide. It is YOUR body! You would be putting yourself through a lot of pain, hormone therapy, a lot of expense, a lot of psychological adjustments.... and all for someone who now treats you like a used up tube of toothpaste? You need to get a hold of yourself. If you have a sex change operation to please her, here is what will happen: 1. She might get really turned on at first. The flame will reignite, and there will be a period of time when you are once again the light in her eye and the lover in her bed. 2. But, inevitably, she will get bored with you again and you will be right back where you started. 3. Well, not right back where you started. You will now be a man with a lousy mate rather than a woman with a lousy mate. You say “I know she loves me” but she sure doesn’t show it. How do you know? Doesn’t sound like she loves you much the way she treats you, and you are very unhappy about the way it is now, and you SHOULD be. However, that you are once more having thoughts of suicide is horrifying! Here’s a hint to all my readers out there: If your mate treats you so badly that you want to kill yourself, you need to get a new mate. That should be obvious, but many people get so tangled in their emotions that they lose sight of the obvious. If you were a man, I’d say you need to grow some testicles. Well, do the feminine equivalent. Don’t stay with someone out of a feeling of obligation to them or because they may have once loved you. Be grateful for the past, learn from it, but do not be chained to it. If she will not talk to you about your needs, then write her a letter, hand it to her, and walk away and let her read it. The letter, in essence, should say, in part, “You no longer treat me the way you used to and I feel you no longer love me. You make me feel like a servant rather than an equal partner, and you won’t even talk to me about how this is making me feel. Also, I have no desire to get a sex change operation, so if you want to have a boyfriend go find a male. I’m a girl. At one time, you liked that, but now I guess you don’t or you are bored with me. I’m grateful to you for what you did for me in the past, but you’ve changed to the point that I don’t think I can stay with you any longer unless you decide that you can love me the way you once did. I still love you, but I can’t live this way any longer. It’s gotten so bad I have thoughts of suicide again. If you really still love me, then show me you love me. But if you don’t, then don’t ask me to live trapped in a lie.” Hard words, yes, but you can’t go on like this, sweetie. Please let me know how it works out. I wish you love and happiness, Papabear
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Dear Papa Bear,
Recently, I've undergone some rather distressful situations regarding my mate and his ex mate. When we first met he told me all about her and, to put it simply, he painted a really nasty picture of her. He's told me she was psychotic, manipulating, and just evil. To add the cherry on top, they had a cub together that she said that she would deny the cubs true father (my mate). My mate made me hate this bitch with almost all of my being. This was almost a year ago, and now things have gone topsy turvy for me. For future reference, my mate is an otter, his ex is a mongoose. First situation The mongoose had lost her mate due to possibly cancer and called my mate for comfort. It was a great loss to him, as well, as he was a really close friend to him. They both grieved, and soon they began, at first, some rather tense conversation with each other. It didn't worry me at first as it was a loss to the both of them and I wouldn't want to hinder my mate's mourning by asking him not to speak with her. As time went on, the calls and conversations with each other became less tense and more frequent. They would talk to each other for hours, sometimes to late in the night. This, naturally, began to bother me a tiny bit. I started speaking about his frequent calls and reminding him of the nasty image he gave me of [her]. He tells me he was trying to be on good terms with her to see his cub, a means to an end. This was ok with me as I would never want to take away his chance to meet his cub for the first time, and I probably wouldn't see them getting any closer. Fast forward to situation two. The mongoose ends up messing with a rather abusive Gorean (I'm sure you've heard of them [Papabear note: Goreans, to be brief and simplistic, are people who are often into slave/master relationships, though there are other aspects of this belief system that have nothing to do with slavery] and it's gone to the point where she was drugged by her apparent friends and moving to court to put this douche bag in prison. My mate gets very involved with this. Again this turns to more late night calls; this starts to bother me even more, but I hold it back because apparently this Gorean might be after his cub and I didn't want to voice my displeasure. Court date comes and he's put in prison for life, hurrah. I began to notice their conversations began to be more friendly. This riles me on the inside, as I thought, or rather hoped, there would be no closer of a connection. Forward to situation three Things take a bad turn as the mongoose shows her uglier side (the side I'm familiar with) by threatening to never show my mate his cub unless he leaves me to move in with her and be a father. He denies her, and after about a couple of hours' silence, she calls back to apologize and apparently respects his happiness to be with me. Me hearing this, my hatred for this mongoose is rekindled and any possibility of me getting along with her existence is shut down, ignoring the apparent fact that he was willing to give up his cub to be with me. Current time The two speak at least once or twice a day. My mate now is able to speak with his cub for the first time (I was rather gleeful myself at this) but now things are just ... as said in the beginning, topsy-turvy. My mate starts talking about possibly having me and this mongoose meet, since we apparently have some aspects in common. Number one aspect, we do not like each other. She doesn't like me because I'm with the otter (note: I have done NOTHING to her, I wasn't even allowed to communicate with her, I haven't spoken, met, or even know what she looks like.) and I don't like her because of her action against him and her back story. The otter tries to play peacemaker and offers me an opportunity to speak to her by handing me his phone while talking to her in one of their many conversations. I say "hi," the phone clicks off. She wasn't too happy to hear from me. Despite all of this in this letter, my mate wants me to clean the slate of everything about this mongoose. He even is talking about going to California to have this little tattoo party with a friend of his along with his ex. The kicker is, I can't go with him. This just about tipped me over the edge, and on top of that he wishes to continue an erotic novel that has his characters and hers in it, witch I don't like in the slightest because I feel like if he's going to be with me for life then I do have rights to his fursonas, as well, and I'm the type of furry that doesn't like to share fursonas of my significant other. But the thing is I wouldn't mind if it was with any other female, it's just this mongoose. It's driving me crazy, I was told she was vile and evil and now he wants me to be on peaceful terms with her? To do these fun things with her without me? Am I being overly possessive and jealous or do my feelings have any validation? Please help me, papa bear, I don't know what to do or feel anymore. I’m tired of feeling guilty over these feelings. And I'm tired of arguing with my mate about being possessive over him and being accused of not trusting him. It's not that I don't trust him; it's that I don't trust HER. Just, what should I do, papa bear? What's your advice? Thanks for Reading. Signed, A wrongfully jealous wolfess??? * * * Dear Wolfess, Yours is a rather complicated problem, but to save you from a lot of initial reading, the brunt of my message will be this: no, you are not being unreasonable if you are jealous. Completely understandable. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You have every right to feel the way you do. Now for more details. The first question that pops into this bear’s mind is, “How can mongoose deny otter the right to see his own child? Paternity is not in question here, is it? Unless a judge has ruled otherwise in court, otter has every right to be a part of his cub’s life, and if mongoose is denying that right, then otter needs to get an attorney and force her to allow him to see his cub. If the situation is particularly bad, he might even consider taking her to court to get custody. To continue: that at the beginning of your relationship with otter he would trash mongoose completely is understandable, since they had just broken up. He was very hurt, so he painted the ugliest picture of her that was probably worse than reality. But judging by her actions she’s certainly not the most stable and trustworthy of people, either. First of all, there is the crap about her not allowing her cub’s own father see his child, then she exercised extremely poor judgment in bringing the Gorean into the picture, which put her own child at risk. That little episode alone would be cause for otter to go to court and get custody of his cub. But now your mate is the one showing poor judgment in bringing his ex back into the picture. If he is doing this because he is worried about not being able to see his cub, then see my remarks above. Based on your letter, though, there seems to be more interest there than just his paternity investment, and doing things like planning a trip to a tattoo party in California (apparently, this means going to another state for him) and you’re not invited is a huge alarm you were right to pick up on. Also, his notion that you and his ex can be friends is a bit offbase, to put it mildly, and his request that you just forget about the past and start with a clean slate is patently ridiculous given mongoose’s behavior. It’s pretty clear that his ex is making moves on him again, though otter is either obliviously naive about her motivations or so desperate about the cub situation that he is willing to turn a blind eye to mongoose. So, what do you do? First of all, you need to get him to resolve the legal question about his cub. Because it doesn’t sound to Papabear like anyone has done this, I highly recommend that otter talk to a lawyer about his legal rights here. My instinct is that a lawyer, upon hearing some of this, will be shocked and might recommend that the father sue for custody. Here’s a link where you might start: http://www.legalhelplawyers.com/child-custody. While that is being resolved, you need to communicate to otter that you are not okay with his relationship with his ex, even if she is the mother of his child. You are not okay with his traveling to another state to be with this woman, especially if you are not allowed to go, and you have no interest in being chummy with her. Talk to otter and ask him if he is doing these things because he thinks mongoose can keep his child from him. If that’s the case, then see the link above. But if it’s because he seriously wants this woman in his life again, then put your hind paw down right now and let him know that under no circumstances are you going to be happy with that and if he wants you as a mate he is going to have to rethink his relationship with mongoose right now. The one minor point I would dispute you on is your assertion that you have “rights” to his fursona. You do not. Those rights belong to him in this case. However, that he would write about his fursona and hers in a story shows some considerable insensitivity for your feelings on his part. I hope this clears some things up for you, Wolfess, and that it helps you to decide what to do next. Please let me know if this helps and if you need any more advice. Good luck! Papabear I've had on online relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 months now and I'd like to introduce him to my mom, but I don't know how to do it. I'm afraid that if I tell her about him, she will believe he is some deviant trying to lure people in online. She has done this before with a conversation she found on my phone involving some fur friends. She doesn't know I’m a furry though she does know I’m gay. Any advice?
Tobias * * * Hi, Tobias, Once again, furries and folks everywhere, an online relationship is not a real world relationship. If I were your mom and you introduced me to your online friend and said “I’ve been in a relationship with him for three months,” my first question would be, “Oh, yes? Where did the two of you meet and how?” And if you said, “Oh, we’ve never actually met except online in a chat room,” I would say, “Okay, call me when you have actually met and we’ll invite him to dinner.” It’s cool that she knows and accepts you for being gay; if she accepts that, then being a furry would hopefully not be a big stretch for her, either, but don’t ask her to accept that the most important relationship in your life at present is with someone who only exists on a computer screen. Your next step should be to meet your boyfriend somewhere in real life. At your place, at his place, somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter. If that’s not possible in any sense of the word, then go find a real boyfriend you can actually kiss and hold hands with. If it IS possible, then do so post haste, and then afterwards introduce him to your mother IN PERSON. Papabear Hello Papabear,
I need some relationship advice. I've been seeing this guy, who I'm keeping anonymous for his privacy and he has a lot of drama going on in his life. Recently something happened to him where he sent me some text messages saying that his two (I believe now) former friends (who's names I don't want to give out at this moment) had a friend of theirs do something to him that he won't tell me. Apparently from what he told me they were apart of. The worst part is I tried my best to calm him down because when he gets upset he really gets upset but he said something about me being attached to my friends and how I don't want to be with him. Now I'm currently enrolled in a community college and he lives about 30 to 40 minutes away from me. To see him I have to drive 30 miles both to and from his house and I'm currently unemployed so I don't have a source of income to go towards gas money. I love him very much and I try to visit him when I can but I'm completely out of ideas and I don't know what to do in order to make him be more confident with himself and bring up his self-esteem. Any advice. Thanks for reading this. LuciusTheBat * * * Hi, Lucius, You sound like a lovely, caring person, but there is only so much you can do. The problem here is that this guy you are seeing won’t tell you what the problem is, so how are you supposed to help? This sounds like a total overreaction on his part, and, as you say, he overreacts to things very easily. My first instinct, then, is that this person might be suffering from Asperger’s syndrome, an illness that seems to affect a lot of people these days, or possibly some other form of mild autism or ADHD. If that’s the case, there can be many causes for this, ranging from genetics to childhood trauma to diet. But I’m in no position to make a diagnosis, especially since I’m not a doctor. It’s just a guess on my part. The questions I have are whether this sort of behavior has happened before and what is this “drama” he is suffering from? If he suffers from some sort of behavior problem and is undergoing a stressful home life, then perpetrating some sort of cruel act upon him (if his accusations against these other people are true) would be especially cruel and heartless and you should be there to support him. If, on the other hand, this “drama” is largely exaggerated by him in its seriousness and the “offense” against him really minor, then you are dealing with a drama queen and might want to reconsider spending too much effort on him. As with you, I cannot determine the case here, so I cannot advise you on how to proceed in detail. In a follow-up email I sent to you about this (concerned as I was that some sort of violence might have happened) you replied, “Nothing violent [happened]. I met these 2 friends of his before and they seemed very nice. He's pretty sensitive to things and he gets jealous easily. Like I said he's not telling me anything.” This indicates to me that the “drama queen scenario” is the most likely. At present, you’re just in the dating mode of the relationship, and it doesn’t sound like it has gotten terribly serious, though you must like the guy or you wouldn’t be concerned. He must have some worthwhile traits. Therefore, here’s your next step: tell him that you want to help him and be there for him, but if he doesn’t tell you openly what the problem is then you can’t be of any help. If he continues to clam up, tell him that you’re there for him when he decides to talk, and then go about your business. That is, refuse to listen to his drama until he tells you the full story. If he never tells you, my guess is that it was all over nothing and he’s just seeking attention by whining because he feels slighted somehow by your other friends. He needs to grow up. If he DOES tell you, then once you have the information you need, you can better judge the next step. Or, if you would like more advice, write to me again once you have the details and we’ll do a follow-up. Good luck! Papabear * * * Hello Papabear, Thanks for replying to me. Since the last replied to me he has calmed down and he said that it was an online friend that came to him and said that they couldn't be friends anymore for what reason I don't know and frankly he doesn't know either, prior to this incident they were online friends that would roleplay over Skype. He looked into the problem and determined that these 2 former friends of him must have been apart of it, as said before. He has told me that this sort of thing (him getting really upset from something happening from someone) has happened more than once, I believe 3 or 4 times. He says that when he gets close to someone they "turn on him," and hurt him emotionally. So I try to be as patient as possible with him when he goes through something like this but it's getting rather old. Besides me he has one other person that he sees that lives relatively closer to him but he doesn't see him as much, another that lives 17 minutes away but his car is in the shop, and someone that lives farther away from him than me that is more of a friend-with-benefit kind of thing. So when he was friends with these two people they were closer than all of us and now that he isn't friends with them anymore he doesn't really have someone to see him regularly. Now what you said about him wanting attention from me is something that he does, intentionally I don't know since he has a few issues. He sends me messages saying like "Why am I always so miserable?" and those types of messages really bother me because not only does it put a damper on my day it seems like he might be in a state where he continues to be miserable (I can't really say for sure because we are still learning about each other). Now I told him that I don't like it when people intentionally start drama to get attention and he says that he doesn't intentionally start drama and I believe him since he's a good guy underneath his exterior. I believe i mentioned before he's a bit clingy and I don't really like people who are clingy but I try to compromise with him but it seems like it's getting to me. Hope to hear back from you soon, LuciusTheBat * * * Hi, again, Lucius, There is a certain personality type that Papabear has come across many times in his life. It is the person who is basically a nice guy or girl but who has serious self-esteem issues and is quick to take offense when anyone says something the least bit critical. Those who meet people like this at first like them (because they tend to be sweet and gentle) but if they say anything that is less than complimentary, they get such a backlash of drama and “why are you treating me like this?” crap that it is very off-putting. This personality type is always miserable, as you say, and the reason is that they are creating their own misery. They become so pathetic and whiny that they lose friends, which then creates an endless feedback loop of misery, drama, reinforced misery, and so on that is inescapable until they realize they are doing it to themselves. Is he a good guy underneath? Sure, probably. But he is a high-maintenance type of person, the type who needs constant reinforcement and praise and validation, an endless pit of need that can be very tiresome. If you don’t mind that sort of thing, if you don’t mind constantly having to reassure this person that they are a great guy, if you have that sort of time and energy in your life, then you could probably maintain a friendship. If you do it long enough and are patient enough, you might even eventually break him out of this self-pitying loop he is in, but I warn you it could take years, if ever. Of course, it is easy for me to write things like “you create your own misery, so buck up.” But I know it’s not so simple. I myself struggle with depression and sometimes need friends to cheer me up. It could be that he suffers from clinical depression, in which case he might benefit from therapy. I suppose what I am saying is this: your friend is high maintenance and, whether justified somewhat or not, is causing a lot of his own misery and that is probably driving away people who could have been his friends. You need to decide, then, whether you feel his friendship is worth a lot of work and emotional support on your part, or whether you just don’t have the energy and emotional investment to continue trying to help him. If you decide to back off, I wouldn’t blame you. It can be very hard to be that kind of friend and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t feel you can do it. After all, you have to take care of your own sanity, too. BUT, if you believe you can do it and care a lot about this guy, then it would be super awesome of you to be there for him. Your choice. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
How do I deal with a "friend" with which I recently wants to break up my relationship with my mate (of 2 years)? I don't know how to deal with her because she is so immature on so many levels and I have had other problems with her before. I first met this friend about a year ago via my mate. At first she was a really cool person, until she started to take advantage of our generosity. We would drive hours to see her because "no one would come visit her." On these visits my mate and I would pay for just about everything we did; on occasion she or one of her parents would pay for pizza. She started to blame others for all of the issues that were happening to her, like her depression coming back because her mate broke up with her. She loves to mooch off of her friends, using them for free rooms at cons that she has no money to afford to go to. She had one friend drive 7 hours to pick her up for a con and never paid her for any of the drive to or from the con. I stopped helping her with money after seeing how she treated a friend whose room we all stayed in for a con. My mate and I have tried to tell her to just save up for one or two big cons a year instead of going to all of these little cons, but she doesn't listen to us. My mate and I have been together now for almost 2 years, we met while in college. We have had our ups and downs but we have been able to work through them and have become closer because of them. He has always been there for me, especially when I decided to change my major and my career choice. This was really hard for me as it moved me 8 hours away from my family and friends back home. He has been my rock in these stormy past 9 months. He has been there for me and has stood beside me on all of my choices. I first started noticing that she has wanted to be with my mate a couple of months after getting to know her. She would flirt openly with him in front of me and her (now ex) mate and many others. One night while at her house my mate asked me to check his phone for any calls and messages and I found texts from her saying "miss you sexy" and "when are you gonna come see me again (alone) hon." Needless to say, I called her out on it and, like always, she denies all of it. Ever since I have never trusted her alone with him because she can manipulate you into doing things that you normally wouldn't do without you knowing it. My mate also doesn't trust her, but it still doesn't stop her from doing this. The most recent thing that I found out is that she wants him to sneak off to see her, take her virginity, and at some point get her pregnant. I told my mate about this and he said he would tell her to back off. However, I still feel I need to address her about it but I don't know how to approach her about it. I have never been in any sort of relationship with her (besides friendship) because I am not attracted to women in that way, whereas she claims to be bi/pan(?) sexual. My mate doesn't see how she can be attracted to him because she has never been in a serious relationship with an guy, she’s only been with women. So, if anything, she wants to be with my mate and not me. He has told me time and time again that he doesn't like her and there is no way that he can be attracted to her, but it still really bother me that she would continue to do this even though she knows he doesn't and will never be attracted to her. I just don't know what to do. Should I drop it or should I confront her about it?? Thank you in advance for your time Papabear!! -- Eva de Wolfsbane * * * Dear Eva, I must say, if everything you have written to me in your letter is true, then this “friend” of yours is just the sort of person who gives furries a bad name. She’s selfish, a moocher, contributes nothing to your friendship, lies, tries to break up a loving couple, isn’t good with money, blames other people for her own problems, and is apparently using sex as a weapon to hurt people. I don’t think she was ever a “cool” person, even when you first met her. She just pretended to be cool so as to lure you into the trap of a user. And that’s just what she is, a user. This type of parasite makes Papabear sick. I’m sorry you and your mate have gotten sucked into her machinations, mostly because you are kind people who tried to help (i.e., the perfect targets for a user). This is how users operate: they prey upon the good will and good intentions of their victims, sucking them dry, even while they make YOU feel guilty for not giving them what they want. Papabear would rather face Darth Vader than her type because at least with a Sith lord you know your are dealing with evil. Users are backstabbing, weaselly, snakelike abominations that are highly skilled in pretending to be good people and that "everyone is against them" and they "don't understand why you have betrayed them" yadda yadda. They can make your life miserable, but only if you let them. Should you “drop it” that she is a pain in your ass? Absolutely not. Should you confront her about it? Well, you could, but you already talked to her about her extremely inappropriate phone messages and she just denied it. Confronting her again would likely lead to more denial. No, at this point, Eva, there is only one way to deal with a leech like this. Ignore her, stay away from her, both you and your mate. If she calls you and asks what is going on, tell her you are uncomfortable with her sexual advances on both you and your mate and have decided that it is best if you don’t hang out together any more. When she protests, stand your ground. This person is not your friend, so don’t feel guilty about telling her to go away. You don’t have to use swear words, just be polite but firm. “My mate and I really are uncomfortable with hanging out with you and we don’t want to do it any more. Good-bye.” Ignore any further attempts on her part to call you or see you. The best way to discourage such people is to ignore them because if you continue to talk to them, even angrily, you are just validating their nasty parasite existence. She will likely play the “I hate you card,” even start spreading rumors about you and doing other such nasty things. Never acknowledge any of it. Dark shadows only exist if you give them a spotlight. In the meantime, enjoy and treasure something that is an important part of your life: your loving mate. You are very lucky to have each other. Hugs! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
So me and my ex-mate broke up just over a month ago. It was very complicated, but he said we could still be best friends and keep visiting each other, hanging out and everything. I thought that would be okay, he's a great guy and I'd be okay just being friends with him. At first it was going pretty good, I went to visit him once a week as usual and we'd hang out and everything. But all of a sudden he's just sort of stopped talking to me. The last time I saw him was last month and since then we've been arranging dates for me to visit only for him to cancel at the last minute. The one that hurt the most though was when we set a date for me to visit, only for him to cancel in favor of hanging out with another friend, which made me feel very unwanted. These days he won't respond to my texts and rarely responds to my Skype messages, which is our main way of contacting each other. He's been saying that he'll arrange a date for us to see a movie together. It's a remake of a movie we both watched and loved when we were going out. But he's been cancelling on that too. Every time the date we set comes around he always has an excuse for why we need to rearrange it. I wouldn't mind if he cancelled a couple of times, but this has been happening for weeks. I'm starting to wonder if he actually still wants to be friends or if he's just saying these things because he either doesn't want to hurt my feelings or just wants me to stop bugging him about it. I really don't know what to do. I've been told by friends and family that I should forget him, or warn him that if he keeps cancelling then I'll stop being his friend, but I don't want to upset him. He's got a lot of stuff going on in his life right now and I don't want to add more stress by getting angry and upset with him. I haven't told him how upset this is making me for that reason. What do you think I should do? D-Foxeh * * * Hi, D-Foxeh, There are several things that could be happening here with your ex: 1. He’s changed his mind about being best friends and is feeding you false promises in the hope that you’ll eventually give up trying and leave him alone. 2. He’s got a new boyfriend (possibly the other friend you mention), and even though he’d like to see you, his new relationship is making it awkward so he keeps cancelling on you. 3. He’s got a new boyfriend and has completely lost interest in you. 4. He still has feelings for you, and he got scared that hanging out with you so much might make him want to be your boyfriend again, and he is fearful of going back down a road that led to a breakup last time. 5. He’s just an inconsiderate, self-involved jerk and blows you off because he’s a jackass and he’s full of crap. 6. There is something terribly wrong going on in his life—like, disastrously wrong—and he doesn’t want to bring you into the equation since you are no longer his boyfriend. None of these reasons is very favorable to you. All of them indicate, for one reason or another, that this is the end of the end. It would have been nice if you could have remained friends, but he’s sending you a not-too-subtle (and cowardly) signal that he is done with you. Getting “angry or upset” with him will certainly not rectify the situation; indeed, it would likely destroy any last chance you might have with him as a friend. At this point, if I were you, I wouldn’t give a damn about his stress. He had a friend in you, someone who could have been there for him if he was in trouble, but he has chosen to shut the door in your face. Number 6 above would be about the only case where I might sympathize with him a bit, but I rather doubt it is a possibility here. Although he has “a lot of stuff going on in his life right now” that might be stressful, judging by your letter he is not facing a critical problem. The best thing for you to do is back off. Let him contact you. If he never contacts you, then you certainly have an answer about how much he cares about you. On the other paw, if he does contact you, you will have found a strategy that works when you want to talk to him. Yours is not the first letter of this kind that has popped into my inbox. It’s always the same, and people don’t seem ready to admit to themselves that the person they want to contact them simply is no longer interested. It hurts, indeed, and it is not a very decent way to treat people, but that is how many people behave when they don’t want to deal with a situation or with a person: they simply ignore it and hope it will go away. Good luck to you, Papabear Ewolf: How do break up with someone you fell in love with?
Papabear: Are you still in love with her? Ewolf: I don't know. See, here is the thing: she’s my first love, and I know it's selfish to want others, but I don't know if I love her. If I never was with anyone else, how am I supposed to have life experience and know what I want if I've only been with one person, and I am to much of a coward to talk to her about it. Papabear: Oh, that is a different story. So, this is the first person you have been with (sexually, as well?) and you wish to know what else is out there? I can understand that. Tell me a bit more about your situation. How and when did you first meet? How serious are you? Does she insist on monogamy now? Ewolf: Yeah this is the first person and only person I've been sexual with. Telling the truth, I've been interested in other people; I just feel wrong about it. When I first met her, we were young, in high school. I met her my first year in high school. She was “the one” for me in high school. I was lonely in high school, but we didn't even start dating until college. My first year of college we started dating, and to think of it, I really don't have much of what I would call fun. We share a common end goal—that is, to live happily—but I don't see much happiness on the way. We go on dates and we're very polite and helpful to one another, and I can say I know her intimately, but I can't say that I know how to deal with the situation. I can't tell you that if I break up with her it would break her heart, I kind of want to let her down easily, because we were both virgins when we had sex, but I guess our relationship has gone sour. This is just me ranting, so use it as you can. Papabear: Okay, I believe I have a better idea of the question now. This woman was your first and you are good friends and, perhaps early on, you loved her, and now you feel obligated to stay with her and support her and never stray until you die. But, unlike in some countries where you have an arranged marriage between families and you have to marry a certain girl and stay with her forever and ever, we live in a modern society that is somewhat more free than that. Most people do not go on to marry their first girlfriend. Most people date several people through their lives before settling on one, and even then, marriages often end and people go on to date again or to remarry. You feel guilty and “selfish” for wanting to move on, but you really aren’t. If you no longer love this girl, you are actually doing her a disservice by staying with her. Not only are you locking yourself into a kind of relationship prison, but you are preventing her from going out into the world, too, to find someone who loves her a lot more than you apparently do. Sure, you both have a goal to be happy (who doesn’t?), but then you say “I don't see much happiness on the way.” That is pretty telling. You and I both know that this relationship has to end, at least in terms of a romantic relationship. There’s no reason why the two of you can’t stay friends. In fact, she may very well be feeling the same way and can’t figure out how to bring up the topic to you. So, now is the time to talk. You can start the conversation by asking her how she feels about you. If she feels as lackluster about you as you do about her, then the rest is easy. Tell her she is special to you, but you don’t see the two of you marrying and spending your lives together and that if she is looking for that kind of happiness, as you are, then it would be best if you both started seeing other people. If, however, she is totally head over heels in love with you still, that conversation will be a lot rougher. Somehow, though, I get a sense she is passionate about you, or else there would be a lot more fire between the two of you. So, the way to do this is to address the topic and invite her input first. Like I said, I’m guessing she has similar feelings and doubts and she may even be relieved. Couple this with an assertion that you still want to be part of her life and that there is no reason why you can’t be there for each other if you get lonely. Good friendships should never be taken for granted. Good luck, Papabear Okay, so I live in California and I have been researching lately on the matter of audio recording people without their consent through a phone. Now many people online are mostly concerned about recording other people without their consent for matters of taking to court or use against them in the future. I really don't care to record people for this purpose. Now, I want to record my typical conversations during the day with people I have in different matters, such as meeting up with a friend I haven't seen for a while and chatting up, reminiscing about past time, crack jokes and just have a good friendly conversation. Now the reason I want to record such incidents will just be for myself to rehear later on in the future and smile at the conversation we had, that if not recorded could have just been lost to time and just a distant memory. Technology allows us to treasure such occasions.
Now the question is and I know the obvious response would be just get the consent of the other person, though would I have to do it every time, since California has the two party consent law. I really would just like to go in the conversation naturally as the moment is and just talk freely as friends, but without having to say every time "Hey I want to record this conversation cause I want to rehear it latter on, is it okay with you." or when I meet a new girl and I feel that the conversation will be of good remembrance to either reflect on the point were she found me annoying and lost the chance to make a good impression or if I made a great impression from the start, to be able to later on, if we hit it off good and we start dating, just hear back on our first conversation. Now telling someone you just met, "Hey, I’m gonna record this" will surely throw off the person. Now my intentions won't ever be to use the recording against that person. But just for me to reflect on myself in a deeper sense, thanks to technology, that if not it would have just been lost to my memory, which is really not that good in point where things seems so natural in the sense. Thank You. -Freddie * * * Hi, Freddie, Your letter reminds me of a related column Papabear wrote about videotaping people in public (http://www.askpapabear.com/1/post/2012/10/is-it-legal-to-record-someone-in-public-without-permission.html). I’m glad you wrote me, because recording a phone conversation is different. Federal law says that you may record a telephone conversation as long as at least one party in the conversation consents to being recorded. The one party can be you, or, if you are not actually participating, someone that you inform that they are being recorded and they consent to that. This is called “one-party consent.” However, individual states also have their own laws, as you are apparently cognizant of. Some go by the one-party law, but others, including California, where you and I live, require that all parties being recorded know that they are being recorded. Although this is called “two-party consent,” it applies to all people participating in the conversation, so it applies to conference calls with lots of participants, for instance. (Read more here: http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations). Now, if you make a recording in a state where the one-party system is allowed, and the other person also lives in your state or another state where it is allowed, then you do not have to inform the other person. BUT, if you and/or the other party lives in a two-party consent state, then all parties must be informed. This is why it’s easier just to cover your bases and tell everyone on the phone that you are recording the conversation. And you really should do this at the beginning of the phone call so that there are no surprises and no potential for misunderstanding, legal or otherwise. It’s a nice thought to record conversations with loved ones so that you may treasure them later, especially when it is during an important event such as a birthday or anniversary. I understand your concern that introducing the conversation with “Oh, by the way, I’m recording this, if that’s okay with you,” might put a damper on spontaneity, but it is still the wisest thing to do. Hope that helps, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I've never written a letter to an advice column before, pretty much being forced to, but here it goes. My boyfriend, C, and I have been together for four and a half years. It's a long distance, online relationship (sorry if that bothers you since you seem tired of letters involving one) and we're usually happy for the most part. The problem comes from fights we have too often, particularly a bad one just this week, which is prompting this letter. Our fights tend to be the same general thing, he's done something or mentions friends of his that I do not like at all and I get pissed and it escalates into a fight. On his side, he sees nothing wrong with them, but I just have a huge aversion to them and he feels there's nothing he likes that I won't get pissed at, but I feel it's not that many. They are started by things that other people would probably consider minor, but they always escalate. When we argue our points in these fights and my view is questioned, he says he's just trying to understand why I feel a certain way, but I always feel that he tries his hardest to poke holes in my way of thinking and destroy my viewpoint. The fights always end with us apologizing and saying we'd try to avoid this, but they keep happening. The latest fight was actually caused by an after-effect from a fight that happened a few days before. It started by him mentioning he was going to hang out with someone I don't like I'll refer to as D. The reason I don't like him is because around a year ago, C wanted to try a master/pet thing with him (we have a semi-open relationship) with -- as a pet, though, they hadn't even known each other for very long, but they lived in the same area. I was unsure of the idea, but I saw nothing wrong with him trying it out. After some time, C was hanging out with a friend of ours, J, who wanted to see what C looked like with a leash, collar, and these little dog or fox ears he had. J took a picture and showed me, but then sent a picture to D, despite C asking him not to (lately, C has told me the pic was sent to D before he protested, but he never said this at the time and I feel it's just a cover) and later that day, D told C that he felt he wasn't "master material" or something along those lines and dumped him as a master. C got upset because of this event. I was rather pissed at both of them, so I called them out on what they did, but they acted outraged that I dared to accuse them of having done something wrong. The whole thing made me decide to never consider them friends, only as jerks, but C is still friends with them, something that baffles me. Another problem is someone from FurAffinity, called S, whose first interaction with us was insulting C’s character while I was defending him from someone else. C became friends with him after getting a very minor apology from him and I believe he shouldn't have given him the time of day, that we should have made him admit he was an asshole, then forget about him, but leaving him labeled as a jerk in our book. So, when D was brought up, I let my displeasure be known, and C began defending him and J and I got angry over the fact that he tries to be friends with people who have offended him when the clear (from my point of view) choice would be to drop them. We argued over this, him being upset that I get so angry over him mentioning these people and me being upset that he still gives them the time of day. Though he claims he just wants me to stop getting angry at him for mentioning people I don't like, he always seems like he's trying to force me to forgive them by going on about how wrong I am about them or how great they really are, but he denies that. We eventually calmed down; decided to try another compromise where I would try to stop giving him grief when he mentions them. Things calmed down for a while, but a new fight occurred involving another friend of ours who we were almost always on good terms with, E. While C and I were arguing, C had mentioned that E had said I was being childish, and that made me sore at him for a while. When things were calm, C had said E was worried because he had a dream that we didn't like him anymore and asked me if I still liked him. I said I was a little mad at him for calling me childish and C expressed concern over that, then feared we were going to start fighting again. I assured him we weren't, because I figured it was a minor thing that I would just get over and I seriously did not want to fight again. Then, C did what I consider an incredibly stupid thing, and told E that I was mad at him. E and I got into a fight with him calling me childish for my disagreements with C, complaining at how I hold grudges, and pretty much taking C's side and bashing mine for an argument that had already ended. He basically rekindled the sore feelings from that fight and then I got really pissed off because I had only been annoyed at E and I believed that my frustration would have faded after a while, but instead, C told him that I was mad, which forced a confrontation when C and I really wanted to avoid a fight. I was so angry, that I called both of them idiots in my fight with E and told him this new fight was their fault. That set him off, and he started saying how childish I was, how I was wrong to be getting mad at C, treating me like the bad guy when they were the ones who disturbed the water and brought it up, calling my frustration with him a grudge. Then, he got up on his high horse and asked if I was done and if we could talk like normal people, as if it wasn't their fault that I got angry. I then exclaimed that this fight was only because they agitated me by fighting my views when things were still sore from the last fight. He then just started defending C's point from that fight, effectively beating a dead horse. Then he said he apologized for calling me childish in the first place and decided to play peacemaker by saying he hated when C and I fought, despite the fact that things had already settled and the two of them decided to kick up dust into everything. I just wanted to stop talking to him and I knew that continuing to speak to him would make things worse, so I told him I wanted to cool down and we stopped speaking after that for most of the day. At the same time, I was arguing with C. He said he TOLD me it was going to be a fight, as if it would have happened if he did not DELIBERATELY start it by telling E that I was mad. He called me a jerk and said I was proving E right. He then dared me to yell at him for agreeing with E, since he "knew I would." Then he had the audacity to say "you're talking to him now? Good *hugs* please don't be bitter after" when he was the one who had caused this fight. This made me say I wanted to tell them both to shut up and he told me to not talk to him for a long time. So, they both stopped talking to me for hours and coincidentally, C then had a horrible day and E was under the impression that I was going to apologize and relayed this misconception to C. Later at night, E texted me to relay that I was close to losing C, that he had the worst day ever, and that he was pissed off. So, I texted C back and he vented on me, pissed that I had called him and E idiots, that we always get into an argument that goes nowhere and nothing changes, that it seems I'm apparently never wrong and that he's always seen as attacking me. We then talked over the phone to try and settle this and I gave some serious thought about my part in our fights. Our fights tend to start because of something I don't like, but I escalate things to an extreme. When I think of myself, I like to think that I am aware of my flaws and that I acknowledge them as such, but I really don't. In our fights, I always see myself as absolutely in the right. My views in them always make so much sense, and I cannot understand C's. When C (or anyone, it seems) tries to argue his side in a bad fight, I take it as a personal attack and I start seeing them as an enemy and I struggle as hard as I can. Even when we reach a compromise, I never see it as a compromise. To me, I'm always the one who loses and has to make a change and I always feel that all C has to do is avoid these things, which I feel should be easy since I always think its something that, by its very nature, should be repellant to him. This perceived injustice always seems wrong to me, so I never make a long-term change. Also, thinking about how I disagree with C forgiving people who have offended him, I tell him that my habit of writing off people who have offended me is how I've dealt with things like bullying, or people being unnecessarily rude or cruel. I write them off as worthless jerks who don't deserve forgiveness, or even existence in some cases. More thought made me realize it's so easy to do that because none of the people I've labeled as worthless have been my friend. I have no emotional investment in them at all, so I can dehumanize them. My parents, my sister, C, E, and some friends have all upset me in the past, but I never wrote them off. If people I didn't know had bothered me in the same way they have, I would have written them off right away. Of course, after realizing this, I immediately began to rationalize that C didn't know D long enough for him to be that important, or that S was a stranger who didn't deserve any chance to begin with. Which brings me to another problem I have. Even after analyzing myself and realizing these problems, I am still seeing myself as in the right. I admit that I escalated the fights, but I blame C and others for starting them. I victimize myself to avoid bettering myself. I have a moment where I realize something bad about myself, then ignore it. I still feel that this latest fight was E and C's fault. E for having called me childish and C for telling him I was mad about it. We both care about each other and don't want to end things, because we make each other really happy when not fighting (I know that sounds stupid), so now, C decided that he will see to it that something changes this time. Again, I feel cheated because it feels like I've lost and will have to change, and this time it's being enforced. He said one step I have to take is writing this letter to you, something I did not like the idea of. That probably has to do with how I always believe I'm right in a fight. I see myself as just fine with no need to change, and I think of getting help to change as somehow destroying who I am. I don't even know what I should ask for. I wrote the letter like C asked, and knowing me, if you said something I disagreed with, I'd probably get angry again, even though you wouldn't be intending harm. I suppose I would like to ask for your opinion, please. Angry and Apparently Always Wrong. * * * Dear Angry, There’s a saying that goes like this: would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? When we insist on being right all the time no matter what, then confrontation is inevitable even when it is about very minor things, as you mentioned. Papabear senses that both you and C may have some issues, too, stemming from childhood. With C, he may have been emotionally neglected, which makes him crave attention and friendship, even from people who don’t treat him very well. With you, you may have suffered some abuse, too, emotional or otherwise, that makes you defensive and irritable. These are just guesses, but it would explain both of your ways of behaving. It’s good that you recognize you have a problem, but as long as you “feel cheated” because you have “lost” you will never stop fighting with your mate, which would be a shame because the two of you seem happy otherwise. The problem here is that you are quick to take offense and quick to anger. There are things you can do to avoid that, and here is a very good Web page from Sri Chinmoy to help you: http://www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog/inner-peace/10-powerful-ways-to-deal-with-anger/. In addition to the above, you need to explore why you are such an angry person in the first place. As I said, this may have a lot to do with your upbringing, but you don’t talk about that in your letter so it is something you’ll need to think about and see if maybe that is a root cause. So, that is some advice for you. But, in any relationship, it takes two to tango. Your mate is part of the problem, as well. As your mate, C should be concerned that he is upsetting you with his insistence on seeing people whom you don’t like. In all of this, while insisting on you changing your behavior, he hasn’t made any effort to change his. Now, I am hoping that not all of C’s friends are people you don’t like because then that wouldn’t be very fair to him. You would be denying him all relationships outside of yours. I assume, then, that the two of you share some friends that the both of you like, even though you are in a long-distance relationship. The key word here is “compromise.” You need to give a little, and so does he. You need to agree to try and control your anger and resentment, perhaps with the exercises I linked you to above, and he needs to show more consideration for your feelings, as well. Also, think about this: you could take a lesson from C about forgiveness, letting go. It might be that C is a little too forgiving, but I’m not sure that’s the case as nothing you have said in your letter is so offensive as to go beyond forgivable. In summary, here’s what you should do: 1. Explore whether there is a root cause to your being so easily angered and come to understand why you might feel so angry. 2. Practice the exercises discussed by Sri Chinmoy. 3. Ask your partner to also explore why he might be allowing himself to be stepped on a bit by others. 4. Work on a compromise in which you agree to control your anger and C agrees to be more considerate of your feelings and that, at least sometimes, you might be right about some of his friends. 5. Hang out more with friends you BOTH like (I guess, virtually). 6. Learn the art of forgiveness and letting go of old arguments. They only hurt you and your partner. Once an old problem has been resolved, move on. It is never fair in an argument to bring up old grudges that you have both agreed to forgive. That’s not fighting fairly. Four and a half years is a long time to be in a long-distance relationship. Congrats for making it this long. I still say that any real relationship involves two people being in the same physical space together, and it could really help the two of you to resolve disagreements if you were. You see, a lot of misunderstandings can happen when dialogue is conducted via texting or emails or even an online game that includes audio or via Skype. The reason is that a lot of communication between partners is physical, not verbal. Body language and physical touch go a long way toward understanding, empathy, and sympathy. I hope you can take your partnership with C to that next level someday. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
Me: Hello? Kyuubi (not real surname) residence, Foxy speaking. Xavier (furry pseudonym): Foxy, dude! It's me! Me: Xavier? Funny hearing your voice at these dates and also you calling me. So what's up? Why'd ya call? Xavier: Just wanted to chat a bit before I go Back playing with the other boys. So, how's life? Me: Neh... Been here, done that. Xavier: Hey... Mind if I could ask you something? Me: Ask away. But if it involves around money, I'm putting down the phone. Xavier: No, never about money. But... Could me and the boys come over stay for the vacation? We needed a place to stay. Me: Eh?! What about the dorms? Xavier: Eck. We wanted a new scenery and I heard you got a big place. So how about it? Me: I dunno. I still got homework to do... Xavier: School's out man! No homework until the next semester. Me: You got me! Xavier: So how about it? Me: *sigh* Fine. There's just no way I could resist you. Xavier: Great! The boys'll be glad! *kiss sound* See then love. *hangs up* Me: Yeah... you too, honey... ~~~ That conversation was pretty accurate. So they're coming over and stay for the vacation and we are talking about his entire group. A group of studly jocks! What he know and heard of is that I lived in a big place. What he didn't know is that my place is an actual mansion! Not my parent's but from uncle's. He said I can come over anytime I wanted live there like I own the place. To be honest, getting addressed with 'sir' or 'senior' requires some getting used to. I asked him about the predicament and he just said yes without 'thinking about it'. Uncle said that it's perfect timing to have more residence in the manor because he is leaving for some long business trip. The mansion is filled with things that some only dream to have. Game room, bar, sports facilities, pool, Jacuzzi, beach, collections, cellars, you name it! I don't venture into the sports facilities often save for the badminton and air-soft/paintball courses. Knowing they are the active and sporty-types I'll most likely get dragged into watching them play but Xavier is there so it'll be worth it... I hope. As you might have guessed it, Xavier is now my boyfriend... and it is he who made the first move, so go tease him not me! They'll be arriving around next week. How am I suppose to explain to him and them that I'm not a rich kid to be pushed on *shiver*? Should I state the house rules (because guys like them likes to do things their way)? What if the boys started flirting on the maids that are the same age as them (yeah my uncle hires teens who are in need of money)? Papabear help... Signed, Foxy the Blessed... and the Worried. PS. Xavier and all his boys have a fursona so woohoo... (is that a good thing?) * * * Dear Foxy, Oy, vey. You have just opened up a giant can of worms to get used by a bunch of people you don’t even know, except for Xavier. While your uncle is being very cool about this, you could be in for some real headaches, and, frankly, Xavier is being very rude foisting his friends on you and pressuring you like this. But, you let yourself be taken in, so now you need to prepare. I know this sounds bad, but if I were you the first thing I would do would be to hide away all the valuables in the mansion that are easily pocketed and carried off, such as jewelry and small electronic devices (seriously). You don’t know these guys and you have no clue what they are capable of. Contact Xavier and tell him that certain rules will need to be adhered to, including (my suggested list):
Once you lay down the law, if they break it YOU MUST follow through with your promise that there will be consequences. NO SECOND CHANCES. Because once you give them a second chance, they will see your rules as total B.S. and that’s when all hell will break loose. This might sound harsh, but this is NOT your home you are staying in and your uncle is trusting you with it. Again, you don’t know these guys and you don’t know what they are capable of. They are already taking advantage of you for something you were clearly hesitant to permit (and you were right to be hesitant). Don’t set yourself up to be a tool. Don’t get used. I’m sorry, but I have run into a LOT of users in the fandom and it is very unpleasant. Many furries see someone with money and nice things and latch onto you like leeches in a swamp. Ugly, but true. There are MANY NICE furries whom I love dearly, but there are a LOT who have no qualms about taking advantage of your kindness. And lending them this mansion is the equivalent of giving them a lot of money, even if it isn’t cash. You don't want this to happen http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114450/Teenagers-accused-wrecking-500-000-home-copycat-hit-film-Project-X.html?ITO=1490. Good luck, you’ll need it. Papabear |
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